This morning Colton was so excited to go to the Dentist. Which totally shocked the hell out of me after last time. Just as we were about to walk out the door, he said, “Oh. I almost forgot,” and ran back over to the drawer that holds all of our sunglasses. He grabbed his, put them on and said, “I don’t want anything popping in my eye again this time.”
Which is so not what this post is about. But before I throw his ass under the proverbial bus, I thought I would tell you how cute he started out this morning.
The real post.
This afternoon, after being the greatest kid EVER all day long, we were checking out at the grocery store.
“Excuse me,” Colton said as he batted his long dark eye lashes and flashed his adorable gap-toothed smile.
“Yes, young man,” responded the checker with a giant grin. Clearly sucked into the vortex that is Colton.
“May can I please have a sticker?” Colton asked. *bat bat*
(That isn’t a typo. We have been trying to teach him to say “may I” instead of “can I.” He has apparently decided to either compromise and say “may can I.” Or. It is his way of saying eff you.)
“Yes, you can,” the man said with a sweet smile, “help yourself.”
“Thank you,” Colton said. *bat bat* *big toothy grin*
The three people in line behind us were all, “he is so adorable” and “look at those eyes” and “oh my gosh those curls are TO DIE FOR” and “what beautiful manners your son has.”
“Oh,” I said blushing, “thank you.”
I looked down at Colton and said, “You may have two stickers,” as he reached over to pull them off the roll.
He looked at me and I saw the darkness cross his face. Sweet toddler sugar bottoms. This is not going to end well.
He is usually handed six stickers by the bagger kid. Which I think is totally glutenous and ridiculous. So. I put my foot down this time. Also. I am so freaking sick of peeling that crap off of my furniture, windows and appliances that I would like to shove the stickers up…I digress.
“I want four,” he responded in his baby voice. Which indicates, ALWAYS, a volcanic eruption is in 3.2.1.
“Colton,” I started in my very calm, “I am a perfect parent voice,” I reserve for public meltdowns, “I said you may have two stickers. Please pick two you would like.”
My voice rose at the end in slight desperation. Dammit. I saw his eyebrow raise as he noticed the slight variation in my voice. He smelled blood.
Like at a chess match the people behind us slowly turned their heads away from me and back in Colton’s direction. “Your play,” their faces said. And. Anxiously, they awaited his next move.
Colton said nothing. He just stared at me as he reached for the stickers. In an attempt to head him off at the pass, I reached down, tore TWO stickers off the roll and handed them to Mr. Curly Haired Big Eyes with the perfect manners.
He took the stickers out of my hand, squinted his eyes, glanced at the peanut gallery and then threw them to the ground and said, “I don’t want two stickers. I want four.”
Holy Willy Wonka’s Violet Batman.
The people behind me gasped. Loudly.
Calmly I reached down, picked up the stickers, handed them back to the lovely man behind the register who was now staring at us with his mouth wide open. I looked at Colton and said, “Now you will have no stickers.”
“I want stickers,” he said and started wailing. You know the wail. That ridiculously loud, high-pitched, AWFUL wail that they save up special for retail moments.
Now it wasn’t just the people in my line, but every person in all 12 checkout lines who were staring at me. I let him wail while I finished the process of checking out.
Debit. or Credit? I don’t freaking care. *hits debit button*
Enter pin. (why didn’t I choose credit?)
Money back? No I don’t want any money back. I just want to get the hell out of this store before green crap starts flying out of my kids mouth as his head spins on its axis.
Is the amount correct? Yes. Whatever you want. Take it. For the love of all that is decent in this world hand me that receipt.
The bagger, who has placed all of my environmentally sound bags into my shopping cart screams over my child’s wailing, “Would you like help out to your car?” Panic covered his face at the thought of me saying yes. I was tempted.
I began to push my cart towards the door. Colton was following me, screaming and doing the ritual toddler fit dance. With arms flailing wildly and his feet moving as if he was dancing on fire, I half expected him to start speaking in tongues.
As we approached the door the reality that he was definitely not going to be leaving with stickers in hand was almost too much to bare and he let out the wildest, most high pitched sound I have ever heard from a child. In. My. Entire. Life. I looked to the heavens and prayed, “Please do not let the glass break because I will leave that screaming kid here. I will. Don’t test me.”
I walked him flailing and screaming, “I WANT STICKERS,” out to the car. Every person in the parking lot stared at me wondering if I was stealing the child. Who would steal this kid? No one was concerned enough to deal with his crazy butt, I might add. I strapped him into his car seat and drove the entire way home with him screaming while visions of wine danced through my head.
As I drove I reminisced about the times I had done this very same thing with both Keenan and Noah. And a smile began to spread across my face. Those? Are the proudest moments of my parenting career. The moments when no matter how easy it would have been to give in and avoid the humiliation, I didn’t. And you know what? My oldest boys, now teens, know I mean it when I say it. Also? They have turned into really good kids that I am proud of. And? It all started when they were tiny little boys, throwing a fit in the grocery store.
This is my favorite post by you girl! I just seriously cracked up. I can relate SOOOOO well to this and I am so glad you have the hindsight with your older boys to know that you did the right thing. That is exactly what I would have done, in fact, I have done it. It sucks but in the end, they’ll learn. It is so friggin hard to stick by our guns when that whining, screaming, head spinning on axis thing happens. Seriously, friggin awesome post!!!
Thank you Thank you THANK YOU! You have just made me very happy. I have so many of these moments, and lately, have been pondering my sanity and the years ahead, as we get past these phases of constant head-butting and refusal to comply! So happy to know there is, indeed, a light at the end of the tunnel!
You are my mommy hero! (And your son’s curls ARE to die for.)
Kudos to you!
I remember as a child trying this with my mother twice. The first time I screamed just like Colton did. The second time…my mother grabbed me by the face and very calmly said, "Do NOT make me beat you in public". That pretty much did it for my career as a holy terror in the grocery store.
I seriously LOVED this post! You are definitely my kinda mom!
Love it! Good job Mom! Nobody likes a bratty kid and that’s how you make sure they aren’t. He’s a little charmer though, it’s gonna be tough!
Great post! It’s great when good parenting takes over our need to avoid humiliation. Been there with 3 of 4 boys and the oldest are well on the way to being really great young men! Number 4 seems to be learning from his big brothers mistakes….one can only hope
Great post! It’s great when good parenting takes over our need to avoid humiliation. Been there with 3 of 4 boys and the oldest are well on the way to being really great young men! Number 4 seems to be learning from his big brothers mistakes….one can only hope
Love how you tied it all together at the end! Always good to remember there’s a lesson through all these crazy moments! Glad you held on to that…and didn’t drop kick your kid in the grocery store before you realized it
Thank you! i wish every Mom chose to avoid the easy route in these situations.
This post made me grin like a crazy woman. Wouldn’t it be great if we could package up the knowledge that "we will make it through this and they will probably not be serial killers" and give it as a gift to first-time moms?
Have you met my 2yo screecher? No? good.
How was that wine? and tylenol?
Wow that was Colton this morning at VONS?
Oh, the wisdom of experience! Thank heavens for it so you know that what you did today will pay off in the long run.
How did you remember your pin???!!!
Those damn Albertson’s Stickers! I hate them! Oh, and when they run out, dear lord in heaven, you better watch out. I thought Ellie was going to come across the counter to beat down the casher last week. "No stickers? What do you mean you don’t have any stickers? I asked nicely!"
OMG. This was hysterical. I have had those moments. And boy do they suck. I know better than to give in…but I still hate that staring from other shoppers.
Phew, it is good to hear that the same thing happens to us all… not that I would wish it on anybody, that is!
There is defiantly a "public" parent voice, rational and calm. And a "home" parent voice which is not.
I’ve made my kids sit in front of the store so everyone going in and out can see how horrible they are behaving. They must not like it because the shut up pretty quick.
May can I please has extra drinks with you at BlogHer? Sounds like we both need them after this lovely week in parenthood hell!
I had many of those moments with my daughter.
When she was four we stopped at the grocery store and she stopped me before I could get her straps undone.
"Mommy, I just really don’t think this is a good idea. I feel the screams inside me. Let’s go now."
And you know? She’s getting better. Now that she’s six.
And I mostly go shopping without her.
Yeah, it’s WAY better now.
It is amazing how quickly things can go south. One minute, charming and loving, the next, a crazed-beast!
Very nice piece of parenting by you!
I’ve been known to leave the store right in the middle of shopping and take my kids home when they can’t behave in the store. Just walk out the door to the car and home without saying a word. They know they’re in trouble then. But then again they should they are 13 and 11.
Good job handling the tantrum. Wish more parents ignored them more often.
Awesome parenting! My 3 year old recently threw herself on the floor of the CVS because wouldn’t let her have some marshmallow candy thing. The proudest moment of my parenting life was when her 16 year old sister looked at her and said "really?" and then walked away. We finished paying for our goods and walked out the door without another word to acknowledge the fit!
Such a good mom. Where I come from, we just deliver a good smack’ng on the behind. That works too.
It’s the Trader Joe’s stickers for us. And the Trader Joe’s toddler-sized carts. And the Trader Joe’s toddler sized playhouse at the front of their store.
They just HAVE to make it nearly impossible to get out of the store without me looking like "that" parent who is trying to convince their child (and themselves) that there is something better at home.
Who am I kidding?! That house is cool. He would sit in it all day if I let him. But no, I have to look like the horrible parent who won’t let my child do anything fun. And make him sleep underneath the stairs.
And, like an Alzheimer’s patient, I keep going back to that store with him time after time. The stickers always end up on my butt while he giggles uncontrollably.
We’ve been there! I need to stick to my word more though- brave mommy award!