Yesterday Colton and I were driving home from the grocery when I heard, “bang bang.”
I turned around to see him holding his two hands in the standard “boys are born with it” gun position.
“Look mama,” he said, “I have two guns.”
When Keenan found his gunside, I was mortified. I immediately had visions of him on the eleven o’clock news and me trying to explain that I was indeed a good parent who knew everything my child was doing and FOR SURE it was not the Xbox games I allowed him to play.
Answering questions like, “If you didn’t love your red wine so much do you think this would have happened?” Or. “Do you think it was the lack of effort you put into your laundry that drove him to such measures?” Or. “Maybe it was your lack of showering. Because you know what they say, Cleanliness is next to Godliness.”
Then? Noah did it. And I was all, “Oh, I get it. Boys are just born with the gun gene.” This time, instead of freaking out and calling psychiatrists, I casually responded by guiding Noah through the whole, “It’s fun to be a cowboy, but remember we never shoot at people, only targets.” It worked. I am a master. You should all refer to my parenting advice. Always.
So. I used the same line with Colton:
Me: That is cool that you have found your guns. But remember. We only use them on targets, NEVER people. You know, like that sign. *pretends her fingers are guns and shoots the sign* “Bam,” I say. “I just shot that sign.”
I looked back at Colton and he was giddy that I, his totally uncool mother, had just used her gun to shoot a sign.
Me: Get it?
Colton: *grinning like the Joker* Uh-huh.
A couple of minutes pass, and then this.
Colton: Bam. I just shot a sign too.
Me: Nice work.
Colton: But, it went through your head first.
Me: *dials a psychiatrist*
oh yeah…it’s TOTALLY a boy thing. i can’t tell you how many times i’ve been shot, stabbed, maimed, decapitated, eviscerated, perforated to get to that "sign"
but just in case, i have the name of a really, really good shrink.
LOL we tried for the longest time to not have guns or weapons but then realized that every other toy became a gun, a sword or some type of a weapon. So we opted to get some toy guns to allow other toys to be other toys and make the same type of regulations! It’s boys being boys LOL great post.
I have, so far (early days yet), been shot with:
broccoli
my eyebrow pencil
half an oyster shell
a french comb
a model of the eiffel tower
a book of postage stamps
a tampon
"his butt"
a roll of quarters
a pop bottle full of rocks
a bag of lentils (it was actually a thermal detonator)
a peony
a carrot
the stapler
and on and on and on and on
This does not include any of the things that may or may not have involved a guillotine, a grenade, a powersaw, electrical wiring or dog barf.
One stinkin’ chromosome. ONE. Between a sweet little girl and a homicidal yelling midget with gunpowder on the brain. Whom I of course adore to high heaven. But wish there were temporary jails for.
ack! I’ll email you. 4th time with the comment error. NOt your fault, I know…
Do boys become exponentially more ‘boy’ for each boy in the family? That would explain it. I know a 3-year-old boy (second boy in his family) who shoots me regularly and also says things like, "You’re dead," or "I’m gonna kill you" before shooting. His older brother never would go that far. At least he gives those warnings so I can tackle him, pin him down and tickle him before his guns point at me.
LOL! Yeah, my boys do that too. Hey, maybe we can put them in a joint session and split the therapy cost.
Hey Girlfriend,
When my sweet and shy 1st son, Dawson, (whom you have known how many years?) shot me with a "gun" that was actually a stick shaped like a pistol, I was devastated and tried to figure out where I had gone wrong. He was 3 1/2 and I was convinced that I was the worst Mom ever. When son #2, Connor, was 3, he shot me and his with a "gun" made from Legos. It still hurt, but the shock factor was less, mostly because I knew I had already damaged my sons with my poor parenting skills. Son #3, Grant, made his firearms debut with a "gun" made from a piece of toast that he had eaten to make the proper shape. I was safe from injury from this weapon, as he only really wanted to shoot his older brothers. A shrug of my shoulders and a deep sigh, I suck. My 4th son, Rhett, joined the militia at the tender age of 1 1/2, making a "gun" out of a Rice Krispie Treat I had just given him. My final response?? I just ate the rest of the pan of Rice Krispie Treats and accepted my defeat. xoxoNancy
That just made my MOnday morning!! But that kind of sounds bad now doesn’t it…My day was made because you got shot through the head…hmmm…sorry about that! Yes, I agree it’s a boy thing though. Thanks for sharing!
bwahahaha your son sounds like he has your sense of humor. the first time my son picked up a toy gun at someone else’s house (i don’t allow them in my house because my kids are violent enough without them), he said, "where’s the nail?" he thought it was a hammer. cut to one year later, and nonanimated object in the house is a gun. oh well, i tried.
i got shot at by a 2yo with one of his younger siblings’ feets this mornings. not only did it screw up my ability to judges between plural and singulars, it’s completely ruined my ability to spell the words restarant, diarea, califlower and definatly.
Hy-ster-i-cal. Totally laughing. And i think my son may follow in those "it went through your head first" footsteps.
Oh boy! WOW!!! Ellie drew tattoos on herself today. I think I may prefer the guns.
OMG! Is there some sort of subliminal gun thing happening on Yo Gabba Gabba? Lily just picked up a hair brush and said it was a gun. She’s four and she’s a girl. WTF? PS I still love that Colton, even with his gunside.
Im laughing so hard at this post… I have 2 boys, who are still little (4 and 2) and they both have guns. Even my pediatrician (who has 5 kids of mixed genders) said to me "boys will make weapons out of everything. Even their morning toast becomes a gun". Its true,
and I tell them the exact same thing- only shoot targets; walls, signs, chairs. NO people! it works. sometimes. and then they shoot the dog…
OMG. I just laughed out loud at this. At my desk. At work. Thank god my boss has a 5 year old son. And that my boss is a guy. He totally gets it.
Should have let him have more than one sticker in the grocery store… And "they" say women are the ones who never forget.
lorraine…nothing much funnier than being done in with the old tampon gun. your list is great. thank you
bring on the jarts
Same here. Mason was the same way. I think it’s hardwired into them. Kind of like leaving the toilet seat up and the insistant way of hoarding the TV remote.
I’m scared of this moment! But at least you make me laugh about it!
Tears in my eyes, B is looking at me like I’ve gone crazy. That’s funny shit.
There is obviously something wrong with me, because when I first read ‘look mom i have two guns’ I thought you meant like the flexing the biceps pose- the ‘tickets to the gun show’ thing- and I was laughing because I’m like omg he learned the ‘gun pose’ from his brothers already and so it took me awhile to figure out you meant the shooting kind,,, and….nevermind. I am a doucheass.
This? This is why I have cats. Though, come to think of it, one of ‘em keeps pointing his tail at my head.