If you haven’t heard about the tiny little book, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, then you need to quit wiping snotty noses and head over to your computer. Stat. You don’t need to buy the book. But? Everyone else is. I just did. It was released on January 11, 2011 and is already number eight on Amazon’s Book list.
There are plenty of articles to be read, and interviews to be watched if you don’t have time to read the entire book. In full disclosure, I have only just started and this post is based on the interviews I have seen her do and the quotes I have taken from the MANY articles I have read.
Amy Chua, the author, has disturbed some proverbial poop with this one, and I TOTALLY want to be part of the discussion. I don’t know if her intention was to piss off a country of moms that hold steadfast to their nurturing ways, but she sure as hell did. I find her to be quite intelligent, so I can’t imagine a scenario in which she didn’t understand that her words would be received in such a way. Nothing pisses a mom off more than saying my kids are better than yours and the reason they are is because I ask them to be and you don’t. Perceived translation? I am a better mother than you. And? She said it to a Nation, not just her playgroup. (She didn’t say it to her playgroup, because doesn’t believe in them. I dare say, they would probably have kicked her tiny arse out anyway.)
It might seem to you all that I don’t like her or her book or her thoughts. But? That would be untrue. I respect her as a mother, as I try and do all mothers. We are all different, using different tactics, but striving for the same thing. To raise healthy, happy adults.
I would ask everyone to take a deep breath and try and discuss this intelligently and without emotion. A big ask, as we moms tend to be very emotional when it comes to protecting our children. Some of us, a little less tiger and and a little more mother hen if you will.
It would be easy to jump on the “she’s a monster” bandwagon. And by easy, I mean really, really easy. Her tactics and rigidity make me cringe. Instead, I tried to be open and objective about what she has to say. Perhaps, I could learn a few things from her.
I have children that I feel don’t live up to their potential. They get C’s and B’s when they are quite capable of A’s. They sit on Facebook instead of studying. They play Xbox instead of practicing their athletics. They have sleepovers when they could be working on a research paper. They watch television when they could be doing volunteer work.
Am I okay with their decisions? All too often, I am not. Am I panicked most days that I am raising lazy adults that will never live up to their potential? To the point of stomach aches some days.
I would prefer they worked harder. I would prefer not to get calls from their teachers informing me that they aren’t turning in their homework. It would be nice to have a parent teacher conference where I didn’t hear that they could be an A student, because they are clearly intelligent enough, but that they do only enough to get by and not enough to excel.
And that? Is my fault. Every. Single. Bit of it. I could ask more of them. I could force them to work harder. I could limit their television, computers, ipods, sleepovers, etc. and ask them to work harder. But? I am too lazy to do it. There. I said it. And there is a tiny part of me that would rather not fight with them, so I accept the C’s and B’s. If I am being honest, it is more than a tiny part, it’s more an enormous cavernous part in my heart that knows I only have a certain number of years with them and I don’t want to spend them all fighting over their schoolwork.
Amy Chua has chosen instead, to focus on their life after they leave her parental nest. She states over and over that there is love and respect in their home and I wouldn’t disagree with that for a second. When her children are asked, they say the same. They also say when they grow up, they will raise their children in a similar way. I must say, I was surprised by that. But I guess being the best at everything you do, would tend to make your pretty darn happy about the way you are raised.
What I am not saying is that Amy Chua is right and our American ways are wrong. Her tactics, in my opinion, are ghastly and barbaric at times. But? That has nothing to do with loving her children. She loves them. She proves it in wanting the very best for them. She is afraid, just like the rest of us, that when her children head out into the big bad world that she will not have properly prepared them for a successful life. (I am making an assumption here as I have never actually heard her say that.)
What I am saying, is that probably somewhere in the middle of our American ways and her Chinese ways lies a better balance for all. There are always lessons to be learned if you are willing to open your mind and not judge. I suggest everyone read the book. Hate what you want, but give yourself permission to like a little bit too.
About Stefanie
Very thoughtful response (even if you haven’t finished the book yet!) Your suggestion that we all calm down is along the same lines of an essay we posted today ( http://ow.ly/3OsQu.) Balance – what a concept!
Thanks for the comment. I read your article and deduced that you are clearly far more intelligent than I am. Very interesting take on the book. I look forward to finishing it and re-reading your article.
Nice job Stefanie. There will be much to talk about between Race to Nowhere and the Tiger Mom concept. Great article, you struck a nice balance.
Thanks Suzy. I thought a lot about Race to Nowhere when I wrote the post. Very interesting that we are engaging in a "too much pressure" campaign while she is saying we don’t pressure enough.
good god thats it i am never having a child!!!!!! that women needs to suck it but wait she is right but wait she is toooooo tight but wait she is wrong but wait…….i will wait
It’s good to hear a point of view that doesn’t come across as defensive. I haven’t read the book, but I’ve read many posts about it, mostly negative. I like the way you take accountability and I’m sure if most mothers are honest, they can completely relate to your comments. I know I can.
I found myself wondering, after an interview I read, if she was attempting to be self-deprecating and missed the mark by a lot. She claimed she was attempting to show her parenting style started off rigid and she learned that humbling lesson that we all learn about having to lower our expectations of ourselves as parents to fit the unique individuals that is each of our children.
I’m starting to believe that to some degree. She has allowed her daughter to have sleep overs, when the second daughter didn’t grow and respond and thrive to her original parenting methods, she learned to adjust for her daughter to thrive at her own passion.
But what resonated with me, is that even though she comes off as extremely smug and superior at first, I identified with her so much when she said, "I have so many regrets. I wish I had done things differently." Because I AM that kind of mom too. There are so many ways that I parented my oldest differently than I do my youngest. But I thought that (go ahead and laugh) since it worked well on him, that I was doing things brilliantly and if I just kept doing what I’d always done, then my youngest would respond just as fabulously to my (clearly) bad ass parenting skills.
So, after finally figuring out that my youngest needed different things from me as a parent, we’re enjoying life together so much more than we did in the beginning. The funny thing is, I think my youngest and I are closer than my oldest and I. We’ve been through a lot of tough moments to get to a place that works for us.
Well, hell. I just pretty much wrote a post for a comment. Way to go, ME. It’s not all about YOU, Guilty Squid. Shut UP, already.
Sorry~
GS
PS Oh, yeah, my point was, that after getting through her whole story, I think I identify with her and the best parts of her story are being shadowed by her beginning. And I agree, it’s all about finding the right balance.
PPS? It took some mad balls for Amy to write about herself in such a no-holds-barred way.
I don’t agree with her style of parenting, but on the other hand, I don’t agree with ours either! I have seen SO many lazy, self-absorbed, irresponsible 18 to 30-somethings who can’t hold down a job, can’t manage their lives, and depend on their parents to bail them out when they get into trouble. And I think that is totally the product of our lousy over-nurturing parenting style.
I took a different tack with my older boys. We had fun and they were allowed sleepovers and such, but when it was time for school work or chores, Mama turned a bit tigerish. And as far as jobs went, my boys had them starting in High School and pretty much ever since. And I made it clear to them that free handouts from Mom were going to be very few & far between, so they’d better start a savings account of their own and keep it topped up. So far, they’ve done pretty well at it. I think it’s all about expectations and mine are fairly high.
I agree with sacrificing everything for my children. Yes, I also want to have a life, go on date nights with my husband, do girls nights out, however if my child has a C I believe in holding him/her accountable and working relentlessly until the grade is satisfactory. I was never made to be held accountable for my school work or homework, and my grades reflected. If my child has A potential, then I want to see A’s and not hear excuses. But I also accept that it’s my responsibility in constantly guiding, teaching, and coaching my child. My 3yo is also pretty aware that it’s not okay to start something and then quit it just because it’s too hard. I don’t allow this. I sit with him, calmly, and we work it out (example: puzzle) together. Granted this isn’t the same as sitting at the piano (part of an article I read) until an exceptionally hard piece is played correctly, but it’s the point of the teachings.
There is a huge file in my ideals box in how I want my children raised, and I know that a lot of those are a bit stricter than most parents’. But I do, also believe in balance. I want my children to have friends, and sleepovers, and to be able to do school plays.
Let’s just say that if I were to eat a bowl of Tiger Mom cereal for breakfast, I’d put a couple of heaping teaspoons of sugar on top.
I haven’t read the book yet either (can I borrow your copy when you’re finished?) but I have read a lot of articles. I don’t hate on her one bit for her strict ways, at least from what I have read. Yes, I agree her methods may be too severe, but she has some valid points and I want to find a happy medium between the overly-nurturing, let-kids-do-whatever-they-want way of parenting and the strict, over-bearing parenting. One of these days I will get my post up to about this subject. I really wish my parents had been a little more strict on me when I was growing up, which leads me to believe there is something to this Tiger Mom thing.
BOYCOTT AMERICAN WOMEN
Why American men should boycott American women
http://boycottamericanwomen.blogspot.com/
I am an American man, and I have decided to boycott American women. In a nutshell, American women are the most likely to cheat on you, to divorce you, to get fat, to steal half of your money in the divorce courts, don’t know how to cook or clean, don’t want to have children, etc. Therefore, what intelligent man would want to get involved with American women?
American women are generally immature, selfish, extremely arrogant and self-centered, mentally unstable, irresponsible, and highly unchaste. The behavior of most American women is utterly disgusting, to say the least.
This blog is my attempt to explain why I feel American women are inferior to foreign women (non-American women), and why American men should boycott American women, and date/marry only foreign (non-American) women.
BOYCOTT AMERICAN WOMEN!
I read the Wall Street Journal article about her upbringing ideas.I wondered about them-I questioned myself and my "methods" (if you can call them that). But then I thought-are you friggin’ kidding me? All the things she has forbidden are my favorite parts about being young! Sleepovers? BRING EM! Play dates? Hell yes! And by the way an "A" in PE is mandatory! I can’t play an instrument (although my mom forced me to take piano), I didn’t get straight A’s (although I could have) and I’m no Yale Professor (what state is Yale even in). I’m pretty certain, however, that by most measures I turned out just fine, thank you very much, and my kids will too.