Parenting teens these days would send even June and Ward Cleaver to the liquor cabinet.  There are just too many avenues in which to find trouble.  Facebook, cell phones, the movie theater, the school parking lot, etc. Trying to stay on top of it and maintain some sense of peace in my house can be overwhelming.

When I did the Horny Toad  post a while back, I got many emails saying things like, Why does your thirteen year old son know what horny means?  Ummm, because he is every day? Have you people forgotten what being a teen feels like?  You better remember fast or you will be fighting constantly with your teen.  

As for those of you that couldn’t believe I allowed my son to have a Facebook account, if you think for one second yours doesn’t, you’ve lost your mind.  Either you let them and you monitor it or they do it behind your back.  

Two years ago, I kissed KeenanKeenan aka: Kman
Age: 14
"Special" Qualities: Door slamming, stomping and eye rolling (can do it all in one impressive motion).
Best Qualities: The softest kindest heart, hysterical and quite charming when he tries. good night, shut his door and went to bed.  The next morning when he walked out of his bedroom, something was different.  I couldn’t put my finger on just what, but I could feel it, something was askew.  

Over the next few months I witnessed some crazy shit.  His voice went from that of a sweet little boy to me wondering at times if Morgan Freeman was in my house.  He grew four inches.  He now sits in his room for hours.  His cell phone is the love of his life, his iPod is his sanctuary.

Other noticeable differences include an ability to slam a bedroom door so hard that the foundation of our home shakes.  He can roll his eyes and do a look away that implies without question, I am the biggest ass he has ever seen.  His ability to awaken happy has been completely stripped of him and he now requires deodorant and hair products. 

For those of you just beginning this plight into the abyss, I have compiled a few tips I think might help make your journey a little easier. 

NEVER ask your teen a direct question.  EVER.  You will not get a straight answer.  The hormones flooding their system are rendering them incapable of focusing on anything other than making out with someone of the opposite sex, distancing themselves from you and the next part where they can make out with someone from the opposite sex.  That said, there are very strategic ways to get info out of your teen.  

Get a Facebook account and be their friend.  If you are not prepared to truly know what your child is thinking and doing, skip this tip or you will end up in a straight jacket. 

Tell a story about yourself when you were their age.  It’s best to make it a really embarrassing story because they truly believe there is no way you were ever cool.  Since they see you as a complete moron, stick with that, they can relate. After hearing your story, they will open up by making fun of you.  Sorry, there is really no other way, we are just dorks to them.  Listen carefully to what they say.  You will only get a couple of sentences, but those snippets will tell you a lot about what is going on in their minds.

Third, invite their friends over and eavesdrop.  Insanely effective and lots of fun.  I would like to stress, this is like Facebook, if you aren’t ready, skip it.

NEVER take it personally.  Your kids don’t mean to hurt your feelings.  It is the last thing they would ever want to do.  They just don’t know what the hell they are doing right now.  Imagine being on your period every day for three years.  

NEVER EVER cry in front of them because they hurt your feelings.  No matter how tempting it is to make them feel like the little shits they are, don’t do it.  We are adults and we must cry in our bathrooms.  I highly recommend grabbing a glass of wine on the way in.  Unless of course it is before noon and then I would go with a bloody mary.

REMEMBER what is what like to be their age.  Yes, we all want them to learn from us because we have already made the mistakes.  They won’t, you didn’t, no teen ever does.  Learning who they are, what they want and to what degree they want to push things is the purpose of their teenage years.  

APOLOGIZE for acting like a freak.  There are days when I lose my shit on Keenan.  It is stupid hard to raise teens.  I have many of times gone to him and said some variation of this, “I am really sorry that I was a crazy idiot earlier and yelled at you because you didn’t shut the computer at the exact moment the words “shut the computer” left my mouth.”  They respect that.  They are going through the same thing and can completely relate to “crazy”. It has taught Keenan how to apologize for his own behavior, which in turn let’s him off the hook emotionally and leaves me with a smile.  Winner, winner,chicken dinner

Finally, WINE is your friend.