I went to register KeenanKeenan aka: Kman
Age: 14
"Special" Qualities: Door slamming, stomping and eye rolling (can do it all in one impressive motion).
Best Qualities: The softest kindest heart, hysterical and quite charming when he tries. for high school yesterday and ran into a kid that, in my son’s words, is geeky.  Not all kids can be jocks, there isn’t anything wrong with being geeky, just look at Bill Gates.   This would be a completely benign conversation for most, but my mind spends every waking and sleeping moment of the day dreaming up possible catastrophes.  If I think of them first, they won’t happen right? 

For example, I see someone high up on a ladder and I imagine their imminent trip to the ER and how sad their children will be.  I see a police officer at our local market and am convinced it is being held up by masked gunmen.   They couldn’t be there for the coffee and doughnuts.  Are you catching on.  My mind is a grease fire.  My husband just looks at me and shakes his head and says, “It must be hard being you.”  It is, trust me, and I’m glad he notices.

So, when Keenan says to me that this kid is a geek, within seconds my mind has me four years down the road.  This boy has been bullied for years because of his love for science, he shows up his senior year in a black cloak and takes out his anger on all the kids that have treated him poorly over the years.  Seriously, try living in my mind one day.  

This is the conversation I had with Keenan as we walked away.  Yet another example of my brilliant parenting skills. 

“Mom, he is such a geek,” Keenan says after being backed against the wall by this kid for the last three minutes.  I looked over at one point while I was talking to this boy’s mom and there was only an inch of space between their two faces and he was peppering Keenan with questions.  

So, I answer truthfully because if you lie to teens they add ten extra eye rolls and three door slams to their day, “Yeah, he is, but he’s really sweet.”  

This is the moment when the tragedy of Keenan’s senior year plays out in my mind like a horror film.  I say in a panicked voice, “Keenan, you need to make sure you are always nice to him.  No matter what your friends do, be nice.  Because you have read the stories about what kids do when people are mean to them.  You need to make sure that you are nice to people so if they do something crazy they remember your face as the nice kid.”  

As the words are coming out of my mouth I’m clear that I sound completely crazy, but that’s  not stopping me from spewing this crap.  I finally stop my diatribe when I realize that my son is staring at me like I have just eaten a newborn kitten.

“Oh,” I say, “Actually you should be nice to people because that is the right thing to do.”    

The look on Keenan’s face is suspended somewhere between laughter and dismay.  After a few seconds, I shake my head and say,   “Seriously, I am a page right out of the “What Not to Do as a Mom” book.  

He laughs and says, “Yep, you’re kind of a bad mom”.  

After a couple steps and some thinking on his part he continues, “But, if you said it the right way, I wouldn’t listen to you.”

That’s right.  I may be a complete screw-up, but apparently, that somehow works.