I turn 39 this Sunday and I have to admit I have turned into one of “those” women. I am focused on every wrinkle. I am pissed at how hard I have to work to keep my body from being bitch slapped by gravity daily and I live in a general state of despair for the entire month leading up to my birthday.

In a worthless effort to embrace the last year of my thirties (barf, vomit, barely breathing) (seriously how annoying am I?) and not despise it, I have decided to focus on what I have learned.

If you see the title 'random shit' that is your clue that I will be discussing, in a rated R for raw fashion, (note to family, you will want to skip these) the incredibly unhelpful, irrelevant, non-life altering pile of shit that I have learned over the last 39 years of my life.

Potential topics: 

How to cling to the back of a pick up truck in the pitch black of night splattered with possum guts.

The most effective and safest way to do boyfriend drive-bys. (Otherwise known as ‘Perfecting your stalking skills.’)

How to cope with the front page news of your parents arrest for the largest cocaine bust in the history of your state.

How to build your alcohol tolerance one night at a time.

What to do in the event of an ex-girlfriend showing up at the guy’s house you’ve just started dating and breaking the window next to your head, climbing through it and chasing you through the house with a large board. Naked.

How to properly open Christmas presents that aren’t labeled because your mom was so high she forgot.
The most effective way to exit the room in your cheerleading skirt to get noticed.

And. Much. Much. More.

My first installment is Monday. It’s titled 'Birthing two children naturally is a lot fucking easier than quitting smoking'. See you here on Monday. One. Damn. Year. Older.