Hi my name is Stefanie and I have a problem. Actually I have a lot of problems, but the one I am discussing today is the sound of people eating. If I am being honest, I don’t really think it’s my problem. It’s yours.

The sound of you eating makes me want to get out a frying pan and clock your shit right over the head. Is it so damn hard to show some freaking respect for those sitting around you? 

Let me start with slurping. The proper way to drink your coffee is by putting your bottom lip on the edge of your cup and tilting it in a way that allows the coffee to pour into your mouth, thus making NO sound. It is not to stick your mouth to the edge of the cup and suck like a freaking ant eater causing a sound similar to the final drain of a bathtub.

Same sound different liquid. Soup. Put the damn spoon all the way in your mouth, close your lips over the spoon, swallow, repeat. There is ABSOLUTELY no reason to hold the spoon two inches from your mouth and see if you have the skills of a vacuum cleaner. Yes. I know. Soup is hot. Let it cool you moron.

People who talk with food in their mouths should be hunted down and gutted like a fish. The worst offenders are my children. But. My favorite is when J corrects them for talking with food in their mouths while he himself has a pile of saliva mixed pasta rolling around in his.

I will give him this. He is desperately trying to save the boys from me picking up the nearest and heaviest object and heaving it at them. So filled with fear for them he doesn’t consider that he is the one that will be digging a salt shaker out of his forehead.

Silverware should NEVER at any time touch your teeth. If it accidentally does, it shouldn’t happen with the force of a head on collision. Also you people that run your teeth along the fork as you pull it out of your mouth should be given a swirly. Every. Single. Time.

Hey sloshers. When chewing your food it should not sound as if your are in a full rinse cycle. How much saliva do you need? Answer. NOT THAT MUCH. Put a small bite in, use a small amount of saliva, chew it with your mouth closed and repeat.

Finally the smackers. You know who you are. What are you doing? Are you re-tasting your food at the end? Is that what that nasty tongue smacking against the roof of your mouth is all about? Newsflash. It tastes the same as it did when you first put it in your mouth. You look like you are 90 years old and those of us sitting around you are horrified by the tiny particles of food left on your tongue. Cut it out.

I could go on and on, but it is too taxing. If this story touches only one person, and changes their eating habits, I have done my job.

What is it that drives you to want to hit someone over the head with a frying pan?