This morning J took ColtonColton aka: Moose, Duece, Colt, CJ
Age: 3
Favorite Word: Fart
Hobbies:  Playing in the dirt, setting off fire alarms at preschool and bossing people around.
Best Qualities:  The sweetest disposition this side of the Mississippi. to school.  I asked him to please check the list to see what I had volunteered to bring on Friday for the Valentine’s Day party.  He called me from the school as I was peacefully making my way home from getting a latte and said, “It doesn’t say what you are to bring, it only has your name.”

“What are you talking about,” I asked.

“The list. It doesn’t say what you are bringing, it just says your name’” he said again.

Annoyed I said, “What do you mean?”

He responds with, “Today is the 10th right?”

What the hell does that have to do with anything? I sit there silently.

Realizing I am annoyed he says, “There was a calendar and it has your name on it for today. The 10th.”

SHIT. That means I have snack duty. TODAY. I can’t freaking believe I have forgotten snack. AGAIN.

It is 8:45 a.m., snack is served at PRECISELY 9:10 a.m. and I have a conference call at 9:00 a.m. ALSO, I haven’t forgotten to bring snack once, but twice. I am the douche bag who sat at the calendar like a good mommy at the beginning of the year and signed up once a month for snack. HOWEVER. What I didn’t do was put it in my calendar because I lost my precious post-it note.

Instead of taking the time to go back and write it all down, I have just winged it all year. Not. So. Good. I can just hear the kids at school, “Nice Mullen. Your crappy mom forgot our snack again and we are starving. Give us your lunch or we are going to put super glue in your cubby.” 

And. I just know all the parents are whispering about me when I walk by. “See that woman that looks like she hasn’t showered in a week? She ALWAYS forgets snack.”

I make a uturn and head to the store like a bat out of hell desperate to get in, get the snack and get it to the school before the teachers look at the kids with a “she did it again” look. “Sorry kids. Colton's mommy forgot snack again, so we will all just have to starve."

As I pull down the lane to find a parking place I notice two things immediately. One. A 90 year old man is about to back into my car. Two. A guy is standing in the middle of the aisle brooming water into a drain.  Both had one thing written on them. OBSTACLE.

I lay on the horn and swerve around the old man, do an exaggerated loop around the worker to let him know I am annoyed that he dare stand there and do his job and I fly into a parking space. The entire time I am throwing my head around in frustration, making it clear that they have thoroughly annoyed me. 

I put the car in park and then the realization of my overblown bitchy behavior comes crashing to the surface and that I now have to get out of the car and walk by the worker. I calm myself down and decide I will just get out and apologize for being such a bitch.

I step out of the car and he is standing there leaning on his broom, staring at me. Which just sets my crazy ass off again.

So. Instead of softening and apologizing like I had intended to do, I look at him, do that thing where you push your head to one side of your shoulder and then round it towads someone and say, “HI?”

That’s right, “Hi.” Only it wasn’t a statement. It was a question, actually a challenge. As in, “Hi. I dare you to try and get between me and my snacks.”

He stood there looking at me for the briefest second and the severity of my craziness must have dawned on him because he said simply, “Sorry.”

Crap. Not sorry. Now I feel bad because I am psychotic and need to be institutionalized.  So I dive into, “No. I am sorry. It wasn’t you. It was the guy who almost hit me. Actually it wasn’t him either. It’s me. I just need to get snack to my kid’s school before 9:10 because I have forgotten twice and I CANNOT disappoint my child again. DO YOU UNDERSTAND? The kids will starve. (At this point I suck my cheeks in to show what the kids will look like after they have been starved.) I can’t screw it up again. So. I am so sorry that I was such a jerk. But. I only have TEN. MORE. MINUTES.”

He continues to stare at me, slowly moves to one side and this man who is twice my size raises his broom up just a little in case he needs it for protection.

"Ok. Good talk," I say as I walk by him and into the store. At exactly 9:05 a.m. I proudly walked into Colton's room to deliver the snack.

As I left, I heard the teacher saying, "Thank you Colton for bringing snack today." I looked back to see his little face beaming with pride.

And. Shock.