I was watching the Superbowl on Sunday and thinking how cool it was that these guys get to go to work with a bazillion fans cheering them on and I started to wonder. What would my life be like if I had adoring fans that cheered for me?

Last night I told my children how cool it was to be a football player with adoring fans and asked if they would be willing to start clapping for me JUST when I make their lunches. (Start small I always say.) They looked at me as if I had just asked them to pull their pants up over their underwear and went back about their business.

I turned to my husband to ask him and he scampered out of the room mumbling something about needing to mow the lawn. Umm. It’s raining. And. It's dark.

So this morning I decided since I can’t get my family to participate in (warning: martyring ahead) honoring the woman who cooks, cleans, makes lunches, does laundry, folds laundry, puts the laundry away (yes laundry deserves three categories), drives them to all of their events, cheers at all of their games, goes to the grocery store DAILY, nurses them back to health when they are sick and a myriad of other things that I don’t need to state because you, my overworked under appreciated reader know the drill, I have decided to hire someone to follow behind me and applaud.

Here is the ad I will be placing on Craigslist:

Overworked, under appreciated mother of three and wife to one seeking an Ambassador of Appreciation. No job history required, just the ability to clap on demand. Must be able to overlook the fact that your daily life will involve little excitement, well any actually, because what could be less exciting than following me around and cheering every time I point at you? A librarian? Probably not.

A day in the life would include the following.

Arrive at 6:00 a.m. when my alarm goes off, his name is ColtonColton aka: Moose, Duece, Colt, CJ
Age: 3
Favorite Word: Fart
Hobbies:  Playing in the dirt, setting off fire alarms at preschool and bossing people around.
Best Qualities:  The sweetest disposition this side of the Mississippi.. I will slowly pull myself out of bed and stumble into the bathroom to brush my teeth and his. It is best for all of us if you wait outside. I will exit said bedroom at about 6:15 a.m. at which time I will point at you and if you could start my day with a quiet little double clap, that would be great. Please don’t smile though. That would be quite annoying at such an early hour.

Between 6:30 a.m. and 8:00 a.m., I will awaken two more children, one particularly grouchy, make three lunches, travel to three schools and drop them all off. Please hold your applause until I have completed all tasks, even when you see how hard it is to get all three children to eat a healthy breakfast, put on their shoes, not bicker with each other and remember their lunches. The constant applause might go to my head and I would like to maintain my usual humble demeanor even though I am now a celebrity with my very own Ambassador of Appreciation.

During the free time I have when they are at school, you may be tempted to take a break and become lax in your applause. I know this time will seem less hectic, but going to the grocery and remembering all requests made with a complaint, for example, “We NEVER have ANY food in this house can you please buy Hot Pockets,” is stressful because if I get it wrong, the ENTIRE household will suffer from grouchyteenageitis.

Also. Doing the laundry and making sure to get the jeans and flannel shirts properly sorted and put in the correct room is crucial. If the wrong flannel ends up in the wrong room and the wrong child wears said wrong flannel, I go from being a mother to a referee. If you have ever seen a football game when the ball comes out and there is a pile of players all trying to get the ball, you can understand. Flannels are important to these kids and I do NOT want to be at the bottom of that pile.

Errands such as my husband’s dry cleaning are particularly stressful. It is imperative to remember when he has a trip coming up so that I make sure he is not looking like a stripper all bare chested in his nice suit with no shirt to go under it because I, his devoted wife, forgot to pick up the dry cleaning and I don’t remember until precisely 6:00 p.m. right after they have locked the doors and they don’t open until 7:00 a.m. the next morning, precisely the same moment his flight zooms towards the clouds with his suitcase devoid of shirts. (Wow. That was a long sentence. But. I have decided to leave it because I like it.)

So. Don’t be lulled into thinking this is free time. It is quite the opposite. As a matter of fact at precisely 1:45 p.m. when I point to you just before we depart for pickups, from three different schools, I will need not only applause from you, but also, let’s throw a high five at it. And don’t miss. I hate when people try and do a high five and then they miss and it’s all anti-climactic and you can’t decide whether or not to try again or just leave it alone. Awkward.

After we have picked up the boys, there won’t be much time for applause. Just stay close by and reserve it all for the end. We will rush home and get a snack and then get the boys to their various sports practices. If they don’t have sports, I will force them to go outside and practice on their own for an hour. Don’t be alarmed by the attitude or eye rolls, they seem ferocious, but they really are harmless.

Then, while they spend the next two hours sitting at the counter doing homework, forced of course, I will prepare dinner and amuse my four year old. No small task. Especially when television is not an option because the others are doing homework. I know when you see my juggling act, you will want to applaud, but hold off. There is more to come.  

At 6:00 p.m. we will sit down for dinner. I will remind all the children several times about their manners. Please take your elbows off the table, don’t talk with food in your mouth, close your mouth when you chew. Then I will remind them all to remove their plates from the table, rinse them and put them in the dishwasher, because apparently fourteen years of saying it is not enough of a reminder. I will clean the kitchen, make the coffee for morning and put the younger one to bed.

Then there will be arguments with the older boys about taking a shower and brushing their teeth. Those tasks to my teens fall somewhere in line with walking through hell carrying a steaming cup of coffee. 

After both boys have successfully showered, IT IS YOUR BIG MOMENT. Your applause should be loud, joyous and your face should beam with pride.  It would be perfectly appropriate if you jumped up and down and threw your arms in the air. Feel free, even, to scream my name. YEEEEEEEES Stefanie. If you could make it all look like it's in slow motion, that would be really cool.

You are then free to go. Please report back at 6:00 a.m. the next day and we will do the same thing all over again.

All interested inquiries, please contact me via email. I welcome videos of your appreciation performances.

Thank you in advance and I look forward to working with you.