KeenanKeenan aka: Kman
Age: 14
"Special" Qualities: Door slamming, stomping and eye rolling (can do it all in one impressive motion).
Best Qualities: The softest kindest heart, hysterical and quite charming when he tries.’s big gift this year for Christmas was a bust. The gift you ask? A specialty headset for his Xbox. The kind that blocks out all the noise of your family and makes the game so loud you’re guaranteed to lose fifteen percent of your hearing annually. Don't judge me, lest I judge you back. 

He only asked for one thing and it is an exhausting time of year and he did not give me a list.  AND. He is a TEENAGER.  How many flannel shirts and jeans can one male teen open without throwing his hands in the air and politely screaming, “What the fuck?”

So. I got him the gift of hearing loss. He’s welcome.  Think of the advantages.  What I wouldn’t give to hear a little less of the fighting, the chewing with their mouth open and the occasional “bitch” under their breath just after they slam the door in my face.

I also feed my kids McDonalds, forget to take their phones away at night and on occasion have been known to allow them to see rated R movies.  Which brings me to my point.

Keenan: Mom. Instead of a different headset can you get me a mod controller.

Me: What is that?

Keenan: It is a controller that helps you shoot faster on Call of Duty.

(Did I mention I let them play war games on Xbox?)

NoahNoah aka: Mac Daddy
Age: 12
"Special" Qualities: Holds a grudge for longer than you can remember the offense. Talks nonstop
Best Qualities: Wakes up with a smile every day and walks to the beat of his own drum.: (Putting in his two cents because any chance he has to bash an idea of Keenan’s is a moment NOT wasted.) Those are illegal.

Me: What do you mean illegal?  It’s for Xbox right?

Keenan: It isn’t illegal Noah. It’s just frowned upon. Like masturbating on an airplane.

Me: (Mouth agape.) I. Am. Right. Here.

The lesson?  No matter how bad your vacation is.  No matter that it has rained for five straight days and your rented Victorian house smells like teenage farts, sweaty pits and you can't see through the cloud of Axe body spray.  No matter that if your teenager rolls his eyes at you one more time you are going to duct tape his lids down. NEVER. EVER. EVER. Take them to rated R movies.  There are consequences you can’t possibly see coming.