KeenanKeenan aka: Kman
Age: 14
"Special" Qualities: Door slamming, stomping and eye rolling (can do it all in one impressive motion).
Best Qualities: The softest kindest heart, hysterical and quite charming when he tries. tends to be a little cranky in the morning. And NO it isn’t just because he is a teenager, it’s always been this way.  I sadly passed another one of my horrible traits on to that kid. Yet another reason he is going to hate me someday, but that’s what grandkids are for right?  To hang out with when your kids hate you.

In fact, I was so awful in the mornings that after about a year of marriage my husband sat me down one afternoon, NOT in the morning because he is a smart man, and said, “I need to talk to you about something.”  Never a good sign and I braced myself for the worst. He looked at me as if he feared for his life and I noted that he had opened the front door and positioned himself in such a way that if he needed to, he could make a run straight for it without any obstacles in his way, and then busted out these kind words, “You are a bitch in the morning.” 

That's it? What a relief. I resisted the urge to say, “Duh.”  Instead I sat and listened as he begged me to just give happiness a try in the morning.  “The whole house would be happier,” he explained.  I sincerely doubted I could EVER become one of those cool people, like NoahNoah aka: Mac Daddy
Age: 12
"Special" Qualities: Holds a grudge for longer than you can remember the offense. Talks nonstop
Best Qualities: Wakes up with a smile every day and walks to the beat of his own drum., that wake up whistling but I decided to give it a shot. 

Every morning for a week, I woke up growling and stumbled into the bathroom to brush my teeth. Just before I walked out to the main room, I looked in the mirror, plastered on the fakest ass smile you have ever seen and walked out to greet my family looking like the Cheshire Cat.  After a while, I actually started to wake up (horror) happy in the morning. What's that saying?  Fake it 'til you make it. Next I plan to fake that my ass is still as high as it was twenty years ago and that I can still eat double whoppers with cheese, extra mayo, hold the tomato because who wants to mess it up with vegetables and it won't matter. Look for my post "stupid is as stupid does" coming soon.

My happiness made my husband happier and I suppose my heart grew an inch bigger or something like that and Noah is always a ray of sunshine, even when I am at my bitchiest, so he didn’t really give a crap one way or the other, he still just walked by me whistling.  Keenan?  Didn’t make a damn bit of difference with that kid either. It did alter the way he viewed me in the morning.  Now he was not only annoyed with me, he was thoroughly confused and probably a little disappointed that I had defected with no warning. I have tried, without success, to convince him how great this whole morning happiness thing is, but he is not having it.

SO.  Every morning when we hear his heavy footsteps on the stairs, we all brace ourselves and silence overtakes the kitchen. ColtonColton aka: Moose, Duece, Colt, CJ
Age: 3
Favorite Word: Fart
Hobbies:  Playing in the dirt, setting off fire alarms at preschool and bossing people around.
Best Qualities:  The sweetest disposition this side of the Mississippi. stairs straight ahead at the television, JJJ aka: Depends on my mood.
What I love:He looks good in a cowboy hat or a business suit and wears them both daily. But not together, that would be creepy.
Hobbies: Building furniture, remodeling homes, playing sports with our kids, laughing with me. Seriously. pulls the paper up over his face, and they both stay in this petrified state until I test the waters with a very daring, “Good morning Kman.”  We all stiffen, hold our breath and wait for his response. (Except Noah who is fluttering around and whistling like Woodstock.)  Keenan is like our very own groundhog. Every morning we await to find out if we will have one more hour of grey or if the sun will come out right away. 

This morning was one more hour of grey and we walked around on eggshells.  Just before it was time to leave he stomped back downstairs to brush his teeth, because I reminded him to do it AGAIN and so to answer your question Erin, I have no idea when they figure that crap out on their own. I've been reminding him for 14-1/2 years.  God help him if he doesn’t get it before going off to college, because ain’t no girl I ever met gonna kiss a mouth that hasn’t been brushed since the day he departed from his family home. 

Keenan stomped back up the stairs fumbling with his socks that by some colossal miracle he found on his own without me having to go sift through the six baskets of clean clothes downstairs that I haven’t had time to fold let alone put away. AND don’t any testosterone-having being in this house DARE complain about that EVER or I will use those new favorite flannel shirts as firewood.

SO. (Yes I love to use the word "so."  SO what? Get it?  SO what. I am not writing for the grammar police and if you are one, this blog will send you to the looney bin.) SO. There is Keenan fumbling with his socks and he is clearly getting more pissed by the moment.  None of us want to even look at him for fear he might see us looking and speak directly to us, but I couldn’t help myself and stole a quick glance.  I’ll be damned if that wasn’t the exact moment his firey eyes glanced up to see who to take his wrath out on. He looked at me in anger and demanded to know, “WHO KEEPS TURNING MY SOCKS INSIDE OUT?” 

I have bitched for years to my kids about turning their crap right side out before they put it in the hamper and having gotten fed up, I decided to just start leaving them the way they show up. INSIDE OUT. 

There is nothing worse than laughing in someone’s face when they are angry and I swear if I had just one ounce of self control, the coffee wouldn’t have sprayed out of my nose and I would not have snorted with laughter.  When I finally calmed down, I looked at him very seriously and said, “That would be that DAMN sock sorter I hired a few weeks ago.  She is SOOO fired.”