This week I will be enjoying my family.  Stop laughing.  Just because they are out of school and saying mom every five minutes and I am wishing I could start drinking at noon, it doesn't mean I am not enjoying them. I am.  Really.

So.  I will be posting the most popular stories from Ooph 2009.  I am eternally grateful that you all come hear and read my crazy ass rantings. Might I recommend a therapist for you?  Seriously.  You make parenting so much more fun and WAY less stressful.  Thank you for taking the edge off.  You are all truly one GIANT GLASS OF WINE.

Originally posted in September.

Last Spring, I had a rare ten extra minutes before picking NoahNoah aka: Mac Daddy
Age: 12
"Special" Qualities: Holds a grudge for longer than you can remember the offense. Talks nonstop
Best Qualities: Wakes up with a smile every day and walks to the beat of his own drum. up from school. ColtonColton aka: Moose, Duece, Colt, CJ
Age: 3
Favorite Word: Fart
Hobbies:  Playing in the dirt, setting off fire alarms at preschool and bossing people around.
Best Qualities:  The sweetest disposition this side of the Mississippi. was napping and JJJ aka: Depends on my mood.
What I love:He looks good in a cowboy hat or a business suit and wears them both daily. But not together, that would be creepy.
Hobbies: Building furniture, remodeling homes, playing sports with our kids, laughing with me. Seriously. was at home, so I decided to grab a magazine and be one of those moms that gets to carpool twenty minutes early and waits in the line with a magazine or talking on the phone or having a martini, whatever these women do. 

Our carpool is set up so that it runs down the middle of a parking area for our Community Center. There are parking places on either side and then one LONG ASS line of cars down the middle all waiting to pick up our happy faced, thank you sweet baby Jesus school is out for the day, kids. 

I turned off my car, stretched out my arms, reclined my seat ever so slightly and opened my magazine.   I didn’t even make it through the first sentence when I spotted a woman trying to find a place to park her car.  There were no spots available on either side, except the handicap spot, which she clearly wasn’t, and she was PISSED. 

Realizing it wasn’t my problem and there was nothing I could do, I went back to reading my magazine.  Now, let me set this up for you.  I am approximately car number 20 in a line of about 35.  Right next to me is the entrance to the Community Center she is trying to enter. Between the door and my car is the one handicap spot that she tried to eek her car into. 

I had all of my windows down because it was one of those beautiful breezy, bird tweeting days.  She got out of her car, walked over to where I could see her through my open passenger side window, gives me an exasperated look, threw her arms in the air and growled. Seriously, she GROWLED.

I was so shocked and stunned that all I could think to say to her was, “Really?” 

Big mistake.  She looked me square in the eyes and said, “You aren’t anything but a bunch of ungrateful, rich, spoiled housewives, all of you.”   I thought to myself, I must be on Candid Camera.  No real person would have the guts to say that.  Moreover, I was in my four year old dented Yukon XL and she was in a Porsche.  Um, excuse me, would you mind defining spoiled and rich.  No need to define BITCH, I am pretty sure I have that one covered.

All I could spit out as she walked into the Community Center was, "Wow."

I tried to resume my reading, but my hands were shaking and I was PISSED.  About 30 seconds later, she walked back out and I said to her nicely, because I am one of those people that always needs to make up after a fight, “You know if you had just asked me, I would have tried to get out of your way.”

She turned and looked at me, and I swear her pupils were fire engine red, and she said in the most sarcastic, belittling voice, “Of course you would have,” and then proceeded to reach into her car and gather her stuff.

I was so pissed I could have kicked her teeth in.  I was trying to be nice you BIATCH. I was ready to say that out loud but just before the words came out of my mouth, I noticed her bumper sticker.   It read, “More Peace, Less War.”  So, instead I said to her, “You know, you might practice what your bumper sticker preaches.”  I know, I shouldn’t have.  I should have just shut my mouth and let it go, but I wasn’t thinking clearly at that point and I said it.

She responded with this astonishingly stupid comment, “Oh, and I bet your a fucking Republican too,” and stormed into the Community Center. I was flabbergasted.

One might think the story ended there, but then they would be mistaken. This is where it gets good.  There were now several moms getting out of their cars, and rushing over to me (notice they all waited until the demoniac was gone) and they are all a twitter with astonishment.  And I had just muttered the words, “I should call the police and report her car for being parked in a handicap parking place,” when I look into my rear view mirror and see THREE, not ONE, THREE police cars pulling into the parking lot and blocking it off from everyone else and I'm all, now that is service.  Except that I hadn't called and...OH NO THAT BITCH DIDN'T. 

Oh yes she did. The police got out of their cars and all SIX of them came marching over to my open window and begin questioning me.  ME!  What in the hell did I do except try and read a fucking magazine for the first time in two years?  It is that crazy bitch you should be questioning.  They were NOT nice about it either.  One of them threatened to take me to jail at one point for raising my voice.  My bad, I should be grateful that you are at my window treating me like a criminal when I did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING wrong and isn't there a bank being robbed somewhere that requires your attention?

I looked out my front window to see that all the kids had been let out of school and are staring at the crazy mom with six police standing around her car and then my sweet Noah walks over, panic on his face. "Go stand with your friends I instruct him." He looked both mortified and intrigued, but was smart enough to do what I said without opening his mouth.  At one point I looked up and saw about 25 kids standing around peppering him with questions and I am pretty sure there was a glint of joy in his eye.  I mean, seriously, when are you more popular than the moment just before your mom is read her rights in your school parking lot?

After hearing my version of the story, and the same one from the ten other mothers standing around my car, the bluecoats FINALLY realized the woman who had called was a crazy loon and that I was a pillar of perfection.  They began joking around with me to assuage their guilt I'm sure, because yeah, I really wanted to be their friends now.  Ultimately they went over and talked to all of the kids and made it seem as if they were just chatting me up. So sweet.

All the moms returned to their cars, the gentle breeze began to blow again, the birds regained their singing voices, Noah got in the car and I started sobbing. I cried off and on all night.  MEAN PEOPLE SUCK (now THAT would make a great bumper sticker) and even at my age, I just can't reconcile how one human being could be so hateful and venomous.  Then there was the wanting to strangle her ass for sitting inside the community center and laughing hysterically at what I was going through. Bitch. Even now, as I write this, my stomach knots up and I have visions of pulling her hair out. 

In the midst of it all, I managed to memorize her plate number and eventually was able to find out her name.  I DESPERATELY wish I could type it right now, in big fat ass capital letters.  The bitch is __________. But, alas I cannot. I also have the advantage of knowing what she looks like.  She wasn’t wearing her sunglasses and I got a good look at her.  Where as, I had a hat and glasses on and she has no idea who I am. 

Someday I will run into her at a party and please, oh please let her be wearing white.