NoahNoah aka: Mac Daddy
Age: 12
"Special" Qualities: Holds a grudge for longer than you can remember the offense. Talks nonstop
Best Qualities: Wakes up with a smile every day and walks to the beat of his own drum. is the one with the ridiculous green shirt hanging out of his jersey. 

You all probably know two things by now, one I am a crazy football fan and two Noah is playing football and I am not as much a fan of that. 

Noah has asked for years to play and I SERIOUSLY didn’t think it was the sport for him.  Sorry my little beanpole, you are a skinny ass like your mother used to be. Remember that story I told you about how all the kids would ask me, “Are those your legs or are you riding on a chicken?”  There’s a reason you found that so funny.

After years of PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, and being so sick of soccer that I would have let him take up skydiving, I gave in.  

So, there I was on the first day of practice watching him and a funny thing happened.  He was DAMN good. He out ran and out hustled the other kids and I was standing there feeding goldfish to my three year old, one by one because he “wants to be a baby today,” and I found myself daydreaming of Noah becoming the next Peyton Manning and me sitting in the stands and the cameras panning to me as I jump up and down screaming, arms in the air (not looking a day older than I do today) because Noah has just thrown the winning touchdown in the Superbowl.  (Noah isn't even a quarterback, but in my mind he will be one day and if I am right, you heard it here first.) They interview Noah after the game and he says, “I owe it all to my mom and MORE GOLDFISH PLEASE!”  HUH?

“More goldfish please,” ColtonColton aka: Moose, Duece, Colt, CJ
Age: 3
Favorite Word: Fart
Hobbies:  Playing in the dirt, setting off fire alarms at preschool and bossing people around.
Best Qualities:  The sweetest disposition this side of the Mississippi. says again. Right.     

Yesterday was a BIG day. The kids put on all of their pads and hit for the first time.  Thanks to me, Noah is the only child that has never hit or been hit on the team.  The rest of the moms either took some tranquilizers to relax and let their kids play all these years or they are just less of a pansy that I am. 

Noah was a nervous wreck ALL DAY.  His gear was tried on several times, it was ready to go by the front door hours in advance, there were many trips to the bathroom if you know what I mean and he was talking nonstop ALL DAY LONG. When I wasn’t home, he was calling me to talk NONSTOP and I could hear the flushing of the toilet in the background.

Then on the drive over, he got silent.  Though I usually pray for this, yesterday it was unnerving.  His eyes were closed, his body tensed up and I began to freak out myself.  What if he got hurt?  What if he became one of those awful stories you read about in the paper?  HOLY CRAP what have I allowed???? I forced myself not to turn the car around and head straight for Mexico where my husband couldn't find me and force me to take him to practice.

Then Noah grouchily complained that he didn't want to listen to the "stupid song" that Colton liked and in my heightened state of hysteria I turned to him and said, “Noah it’s only two minutes out of your life, suck it up, you have 90 more to live.”  Panicked at what I had just said, only 90 more minutes to live,  I quickly restated, “You have 90 YEARS to live, NOT minutes.”  Whew that was close.  SOMEONE GET ME A MARTINI.

Finally after the first torturous 30 minutes of practice, there was my little beanpole lining up to hit and be hit. I was a disaster as anyone on the sideline would attest.  Because, like Noah, when I am nervous I get diarrhea of the mouth.  “So that was a good one don’t you think?  Why isn’t he getting lower?  Why isn’t anyone telling him to get low?  Why is he just running around that kid? Hit him Noah, come on HIT HIM”  I looked around to find that the other parents had drifted away slowly and quietly.  Whatever.  Peyton Manning people.

At first Noah’s hits were very timid. More just trying to get around the kid with as little contact as possible than actual hits.  But as the practice went on, he started getting lower and placing some licks on those boys. No one was being de-cleated, but the kid was hitting.  And if I’m not mistaken, through that facemask, I saw a twinkle in his eye. I think he was actually starting to like it.

Perhaps he was picturing KeenanKeenan aka: Kman
Age: 14
"Special" Qualities: Door slamming, stomping and eye rolling (can do it all in one impressive motion).
Best Qualities: The softest kindest heart, hysterical and quite charming when he tries.’s face inside those other kid’s helmets and paying him back for all those times that he beat the crap out of him over the years.  See sweetie, I told you someday it would pay off.  You are going to be the next Peyton Manning.  Have you been listening? The next Peyton FREAKING Manning.

Noah is our silent middle child that just coasts along, always happy and doing the right thing.  He gets little attention in this house because he has a teenager on one side and a toddler on the other.  WELL ITS ABOUT TIME KID.  This is your moment and I HAVE NEVER BEEN PROUDER of your discipline and work ethic. YOU ROCK BEANPOLE.