Yesterday I dropped KeenanKeenan aka: Kman
Age: 14
"Special" Qualities: Door slamming, stomping and eye rolling (can do it all in one impressive motion).
Best Qualities: The softest kindest heart, hysterical and quite charming when he tries. and two of his friends off at the beach. I explained, as if to four year olds (and then made them repeat it back to me) that I would return for them at 5:15 p.m. and that they all needed to be ready and waiting for me at that time.  I had faith that after such a long discussion, repetition and their, “I get it mom” and “Yes Mrs. Mullen”, that I would arrive to the beach at 5:15 and find three teenagers eagerly awaiting pickup. The would probably be sunburned since I forgot to mention sunblock, but they would be there. What? I can only remember to discuss so many things.  No drugs.  Check. No drinking. Check. No hiding behind the bathrooms with girls.  Check. Stay in front of the lifeguard stand. Check. Apply sunblock. Shit.

At 5:10 I was driving towards the beach, Joan Jett on the stereo, windows down, no kids in the car, feeling young and happy.  I arrived at the appointed pickup location with high hopes. And then, the wind stopped blowing, the music died, there were no sunburned teenagers and I was pissed. 

Five minutes ticked off my clock. Angrily and plotting my revenge, I went and found a parking place, walked back to the beach and upon arrival noticed that the three teen cherubs I was supposed to pick up were still out on their surf boards, completely oblivious to the fact that I was so angry, I was considering picking up their cell phones and sending texts to every cute girl in their class that said, “I have a crush on you and would really like to make out with you as soon as possible.” I walked to the edge of the water and screamed, KEENAN, at the top of my lungs.  No response from the boys in the water, but everyone on shore was sure interested at this point. 

I tried again.  This time, he turned to look and I angrily waved him in.  He then had the teenage audacity to shoot me the finger.  NO, not that finger. I would have swam out in my clothes and broken that one.  The other one.  The one implying, “Just a minute.”  I angrily waved my arms toward the shore again, but he had already turned around and was paddling back out towards a wave that would happily, I’m sure, drown out my voice. 

I sat there stupefied for a moment and then I calmly turned around, smiled at the people staring at me with their “her kid is an jerk, therefore she is a bad mom” looks, walked off the beach, got in my car, started it and drove off.  For fifteen minutes I drove with a smile and an occasional giggle at the image playing in my head of the boys suddenly looking towards shore, searching, searching, searching, seeing no one, collectively realizing that I have left and then paddling back to shore with their red little arms moving so quickly one would think those three boys were being fast forwarded. 

Then my cell phone rang:

Keenan: Mom. Where are you?

Me: I left.

Keenan:  Why

Me: Because I had things to do.

Keenan: How are we supposed to get home?

Me: I dunno.

Keenan:  Mom, I didn’t even know you where trying to tell me to come out of the water.

Me: Did you think I was doing the chicken dance?

Keenan: Mom.  Please come and get us.

Me: When I am finished with my errands I will come back by.

Keenan: How long will that be?

Me: No idea. But, when I get back, you and your buddies better be waiting with all of your beach crap in hand next to the street to be picked up or I will keep driving and I won’t be back a third time.

Keenan: OK.  We are already here waiting. 

Me: Good. See you in a while.

Keenan didn’t immediately hang up the phone, so I got to eavesdrop a bit on his conversation with the other boys.

Friend 1: She left us didn’t she?

Keenan: Yep.

Friend 2: Crap, do we have to find another ride home?

Keenan: Nope, we just have to wait.

Friends 1&2: Awwwwwwww.

I didn’t really have errands to run so I went to the book store and snagged a book I have been wanting to read.  I drove back to the beach, parked my car, rolled my windows down and enjoyed the smell of the ocean and the breeze in my hair as I sat and read in complete blissful silence. 

With my trip to the bookstore and my reading time, it was nearly two hours later that I arrived back to pick the boys up.  Just like they said they would, there they stood.  All of their gear ready to go.  One of the boys actually jumped up in the air and yelled, “YES!” when he saw my car.  On our drive home, they were oh so humble, “Thank you for the ride Mrs. Mullen” or “We are sorry we made you wait Mrs. Mullen”.  Keenan thanked me several times for coming back and driving them home and apologized over and over for being disrespectful (his words). In fact, we were having dinner, and he had just taken a bite of food, when he looked up somewhat disoriented and said, yet again, “Thanks for picking us up today mom.” 

I feel like I have my parenting super powers back.  You know the ones that you have until your kids hit the teenage years and then suck it out of you like the money from your wallet. I can just see my future now. Other moms will start calling and asking, “How can we be more like you?”  The teenagers will all respect me. I will be voted Mother of the Year, perhaps even given my own holiday. Oprah will call to interview me. The teens will cry out in unison, “She is as cool as us.” They will spread the word about Keenan’s mom.  “Don’t make her wait, she will leave you,” they will say.

Who am I kidding, they are probably talking about what a bitch I am right now and no kids will ever be allowed over to my house again.  But hey, if it gets me out of driving all the damn time, that would be EVEN better than a trip to Chicago to meet Oprah.