This past weekend Keenan came into my room and asked if he could go to the gym with a friend of his for a quick workout.
“Sure,” I responded. “What time do I need to drop you off?”
And then? He said something that will forever change our lives, “No need mom. Mikey will pick me up. He drives now.”
I am sure there are plenty of mothers out there who would have found this to be good news. I, on the other hand, am wired quite differently. I immediately saw the car accident. The seat where my son should be, mangled and him no longer in it, a seatbelt sitting unused. An empty bottle of vodka rolling around on the floor and my son never coming home. I saw it so vividly that I was clutching the side of the bed as if I were about to take off in a 747 with one missing engine and a bird positioned to fly into the other one.
“What a tortured soul,” you’re thinking. Ya think?
Living in my brain is exhausting. Truly. Exhausting. However. It does have it’s benefits (or so my therapist used to tell me right before I wrote a check every week).
Two that come to mind? I am always thinking about what could happen which leads to conversations with my teenagers. And? WhateverNation is now in place due to my neurosis and I am bringing these discussions to you. So that doesn’t suck. Right?
Your job? Join the conga line people and let’s start talkin’.
I heard myself gulping for air while eking out the word, “yes,” and I crap you not. I was teary eyed. Oh yes I was.
Keenan, realizing I was about to pass out, walked over and placed his hand on mine, looked me in the eyes and said, “It’s okay Mom. Don’t worry.”
Don’t worry? Have you met me? He then left the room and I cried into my pillow. How could I be here already? How do I do this? How do I trust another teenage boy with my son’s life? How do I know if I did my job right? Will Keenan make good decisions when they count?
The answer to all of those questions? Ready? Wait for it. Wait for it.
There isn’t an answer goofball. If there was, there would be no need for this damn website now would there. And really? How would the wine industry stay in business?
I composed myself, put on a smile, walked into the living room and asked Keenan if he would indulge me for a brief moment in my neurosis. He agreed because I ASKED him and made it about me. I did not demand him to come in and have a very serious talk about a very serious topic. No sirree Bob.
See the difference? This is a GIANT WhateverNation tip. Put it in your tool box. Make it about you. Then? They listen because they think they are doing you a favor. NOT being lectured. Understand?
I said, “I know I am a neurotic crazy mom, but if you would indulge me in just a minute of my neurosis so I feel like I did my job, then I will let you go.” He smiled as if to say, “You poor soul,” and I smiled as if to say, “SUCKA.” Then he followed me back to my room where the following one sided conversation took place:
Me: Here is the thing. This is a VERY BIG moment for both of us. I am having to let go of you a little bit or A LOT which as you know is not my strong suit and you are now taking on a whole new set of responsibilities.
While you probably think you are totally ready for this, you are not. You know why? Because I haven’t given you the big talk about it yet. And also because your teenage brain is not as smart as you think it is. Just sayin’. So buckle your seatbelt kid because here we go.
First and foremost, you know how many teenagers we have lost in this county due to car accidents? Yes?
Keenan: Yes mom. I know.
Me: K. Well here’s the thing. While some were due to drinking and driving other’s were due to reckless driving. We will get to the drinking part next.
First. Do you have an out plan if you are with a friend who drives like a crazy fool and you don’t want to get back in the car with him, but you don’t want to be the dorky kid who says, “You drive like a fool, I’m calling my mom?”
Keenan: (deer in headlights) No.
Me: I do. Here are two options.
Option one: My mom just called and she is pissed off. She just got a call from my Spanish teacher and it is not good. She said to wait right here and she is coming to get me. Holy fbomb, yes I know you will use the actual word, I am in big trouble.
Option Two: Oh crap. My mom just called. I totally forgot it is my grandmother’s birthday, dad’s big dinner, I have to babysit Colton, whatever the excuse and I have to get home ASAP. She is on her way to get me.
Then you call me and I will be there in a jif.
*takes a deep breath*
Now to the drinking. This conversation we have had before, but we are having it again. And we will have it again and again and will probably still be having it when you are 30. Indulge me please.
*Again. It is about me, not him.*
While I would prefer that you do not drink when you are in high school, I am fully aware that it is a possibility. You are NEVER EVER allowed to drink and drive or get in a car with someone who has had even one sip of alcohol. Capiche?
I don’t ask too much, but I do ask that a police officer never show up on my doorstep to tell me you are gone because I couldn’t take that. You understand. I couldn’t.
Keenan: Nods silently.
Here are your options if you or your driver has been drinking.
One: Call me. I will come and get you ANYTIME, ANYPLACE and with no questions asked. You know I will honor that. I have proven it to you before. Please call me.
Two: If you are uncomfortable calling me, call Carrie.*a good friend of mine* She knows that she doesn’t even have to tell me that you called. She will come and get you. ANYTIME, ANYPLACE. No questions asked.
And finally.
Three: *I pulled out a card from my wallet* Put this number in your cell phone. It is a cab company. If you are so uncomfortable that you can’t call either of us, call them. They have our credit card on file and will deliver you safely home and I will take you back to your car the next morning. No questions asked.
(Deep, deep breath.) “I am finished,” I say with a smile. “Thank you for listening.”
He laughs, you know as if to say, “I did you a favor and you’re welcome.” Walks over and gives me a big hug.
“I love you,” I say as he walks out of my room.
“I love you too mom,” he says and my heart melts.
And then? His friend called to cancel.
After leaving a comment, come join me at TheBlogFrog to discuss this topic further.
Tomorrow WN will feature a post I wrote about a car accident that took place in our community resulting in the death of one teenage boy and jail time for another.
Thursday on WN. The fabulous Dr. Keith Kanner will weigh in on the topic.
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The good news is 747′s have four engines. The not so good news is this is every parents worse nightmare because we have all lived it. I belive you have done the best job by teaching the use of seatbelts. that would have saved so many young kids if they would just have buckled up. More wine and less sleep ahead!
I love this: SO TRUE re: making it about you.
Teens are naive that way…they’ll listen longer before tuning you out. I’m glad I discovered this trick nice and early. When my boys were little, I always used to tell them, "Stay where YOU can see ME!" (not "stay where I can see YOU!") It works.
This was a great post.
One of my son’s best friends died only last week because of a P-plater (provisional license) accident. The driver lost control due to going waaay over the speed limit. His older brother (the driver) survived, while this boy unfortunately didn’t. Such a terrible situation and my teens are distraught, as you can imagine.
I love the "get out" excuses. Will definitely be telling those to my teens. I’ve no idea what I’m going to do about the whole ‘someone else driving’ thing. Even scarier, my twins will be out alone in less than a year (dying a little inside here!). Thanks again for thus post!
I have one of each. A teen driver and a soon-to-be driver. I dealt with the situation much like you and unless and until I knew the teen driver was responsible and experienced (including my son driving with my daughter) I drive them and pick them up. I don’t care if I embarrass them. Those are the rules. The sad part is you still have to worry about all of the OTHER drivers constantly – them you have no control over. So you will always worry. I can proudly and happily say that both my children have called me for rides, no questions asked!
Ahhh crap! My "baby" is doing his first behind the wheel instructions with the driver’s ed teacher at this very moment. So now he can start driving with us. This one bothers me more than my other 2 boys driving. Maybe because it is my baby, I don’t know. I completely understand your feelings about letting them go with other kids, and I think you really have some great ideas about handling that.
So true! Knowing your kids are out their driving or being driven with their friends is one of the first scary moments of really having to let go and trust our kids to make good decisions about how to keep themselves safe. There’s a great web site to help both parents and teenagers as they navigate the tricky territory of hitting the road- from how to have conversations, to what kinds of rules to set. It’s called http://www.TeenDriverSource.org.
Hang in there – and thanks for getting the conversation going! This is something that worries every parent of a teenager at some point!
Oh boy oh boy oh boy. Oh I have oh too much I can contribute to this discussion thanks to my darling older son. Yes, he’s alive…but I’ve had my version of the 2am phone call and then resulting anguished scream that woke up the neighborhood.
You have every damn reason to be neurotic about this.I’ve got pictures I can share if you have the stomach for it. Frankly, I still don’t.
God, I remember the first time Elijah got in the car and drove away with a friend driving. I may have teared up a bit. I also remember the day that he drove off alone in his own car. It feels a lot like the first time I left him at daycare. Or his first day of Kindergarten.
The hardest part of parenting is the letting go.
As of yesterday, Elijah has been driving for a year. No tickets, no accidents, no DUIs. Thanks God (as my chica friends say). This is the part where you hope you’ve done everything right and you let them go and pray they have the strength to make the right choices.
Thanks for writing this. It made me laugh and think. My daughter, soon-to-be 13, and I will be having conversations like this in the not-so-distant future. I hope I’m ready! As in your situation, my neuroses are often bigger than the both of us. I’m already writing about the four D’s of high school: driving, drinking, dating and drugs. BTW: I will be re-tweeting this immediately!
Wow. Very well done. I love that you gave him the option to get out of the car if a driver is crazy.
I did that myself on multiple occasions, and this was (take a breath!) BEFORE cellphones. But I knew that my safety, thanks to some talks like this with my mom, was more important and that I had a right to demand that they stop the car. It usually went just like yours, too… "If you’re going to keep driving like an asshole, pull over and let me out." Sometimes it worked, sometimes they pulled over. Either way, teenagers need to know that it’s not "uncool" to take control.
LOVE the cab option. NICE WORK, mom!
I love this conversation with your son. Both entertaining and useful (a two-fer!)Ingenious the way you have supplied him with valid, non-dorky scapegoats to getting out of a potentially dangerous situation. Very wise. (Stopping over from SITS, btw, and will be back.)
I always send my son with his toothbrush and pj’s when he’s out at night. I’ve instilled the fear of God in him re: getting in to a car with a driver who has been drinking. So far … so good!
My sons don’t have their driver’s license yet … I think they’re terrified of driving in Toronto. People drive like maniacs in this city. My friends who have kids who drive have lived through the inevitable fender benders but nothing more serious. Unfortunately at some point, we all have to let go and let them live their lives. That’s scary but that’s life.
I’m here from BlogFrog!
this is all fine and good…but really, no questions asked? if my kid is out with friends who are drinking, his mother and i are asking plenty of questions….but i understand…the main thing is getting them home safe.
Is it insane that I just started crying reading this? My oldest is 6. I know that moment you just lived will come tomorrow w/out a blink. You are so wise and you my friend will be the woman I call when my 16 year old needs that talk. I’d rather you give it. I will tell you this: my mom was EXACTLY like you. No questions. I did call and you know what her response was "the fact that you called means I don’t need to know, you did the right thing and that’s all there is to it". After college I memorized the taxi cab company phone number. Not in my cell (what if I lost it). I memorized it. My friends were always flabbergasted that I could be so wasted and still remember the number. My thing is better safe then sorry. I still remember the number if anyone needs it.
So I have to say, I’m 14, and from my point of view, this is exactly what parents shouldn’t do. You have to have trust in your child, and let them venture out in the world and explore it. The more you baby your kid while they still live with you, the less prepared they’re going to be in the real world. Trust me, if you don’t let go of your kid, they’re not going to be ready. The more you worry about your kid, the more likely they are to get into bad things; drugs, alcohol, etc. Take it from a current teenager. I already ride to school with a couple of senior friends, and my parents had to learn to trust them. You have to take chances, and make mistakes. Yes, accidents do happen, but sometimes you can’t avoid them, even if you are careful. Like my parents say, "You can’t keep your kid in a box their whole life.", and same goes for your son. Like I said, I’m 14, and I’ve probably have gone/done more things than your 17 year old son. I know the difference between what’s wrong and right. I’ve hung out with enough older kids to see firsthand what happens when you make bad decisions. So start letting go of your kid early. Let them grow up and become more independent, because the sooner you do that, the more mature your kid will become. Unless they’re just plain stupid and abuse their privileges. As for trusting their friend’s driving skills, just tell your kid if their friend is getting a little too extreme, that they NEED to speak up and tell them to be careful.
You’ve all been teenagers before, you know exactly what it’s like. And it’s almost the same today, ALMOST.
I couldn’t resist commenting on this because of the fourteen year old that thinks parents shouldn’t talk to their kids about this. She’s not treating him like a baby; she’s informing him of options, giving him important information. I’m seventeen. Yeah, I know the difference between right and wrong, and yes, I am completely mortified and hate it every time my parents even begin to talk about my life outside of what I want to talk about. A lot of kids die in car accidents. I know one that just did. It’s not unreasonable to feel that way for parents. While I hate talking about it with my parents because well I’m a teenager and I sure as hell don’t want to listen to my mom talk about sex, I’m glad they do things like that. It serves as a reminder. Yeah, I know the difference between right and wrong, and they trust me to make those decisions like a lot of parents, but they just want to put it out there one more time. Totally reasonable.