I have been trying to write this post for well over a week. I am sure you have noticed that I haven’t posted much of anything along the lines of real writing in quite some time. Today I realized that if I don’t just do it, I may never write again because this is haunting me and any ounce of humor or self deprecation or whatever it is you come back to read day in and day out is being buried under this incredibly awful weight of something so unthinkable and horrible that I am unable to let it go.
Last Sunday morning at around 1:30 a.m. five teenage boys left a party that was two doors down from our home. They had been drinking and decided they were hungry and set out for some food. Five boys, music blaring, laughing, speeding down a curvy road, the best of times.
Then it all changed. The driver misread a turn and crossed over into the wrong lane. He tried to correct the mistake and as young drivers will do, he pulled the wheel too hard, causing the car to turn to sharply and flip over. One boy was partially thrown from the car, he wasn’t wearing a seatbelt, and died on the scene.
Another was critically injured and rushed to the hospital. Two of the boys escaped with only minor injuries. The driver of the car was taken to juvenile hall and charged with gross vehicular manslaughter and a DUI. Update: He hasn’t returned home since that evening. He was sentenced to up to 547 days in a juvenile camp. His hopes for college, a sports scholarship over, a normal life? All over.
It is horrifying to think what these boys went through in the moment that it all went wrong. The fear as the car careened out of control. The moment it flipped and then when it finally stopped and they looked around, the terror of what they saw. One friend badly injured, another not breathing. I ask you to think about this, not to be gory and over detailed, but to make you remember that no matter how much you would like to blame and be angry at these boys, they are just that, boys. They made a mistake that a whole lot of us have made in our lives. Whether in high school or out. It is important to remember that in these tragedies. They are just boys and we are all human and it does NO GOOD to blame and judge.
The boys were all Seniors at my son’s high school and while I have never met any of them, I have cried so many times, I’ve lost count. It is every parent’s worst nightmare and here it is, like a bad dream that you keep trying to get out of, but every time you pass by the piles of flowers marking the location of the accident, you are slammed back into the nightmare. Five boys, one gone, four whose lives are forever changed.
We are a community filled with sadness and so much judgement and blame, you want to look away. The blame is so horrifyingly loud. You can hear the conversations over and over, “The parents of the boy who died were out of the country celebrating their 20th wedding anniversary, do they really care about their kids?” or “The kid that drove the car was over the legal limit and allegedly said to a police officer that he “used to smoke marijuana”, he must be a horrible child. It goes on and sadly, on and on.
I understand our need to blame. We all think, “If I can just figure out something to blame, someone at fault, a reason, then we can make sure we don’t do the same in our house or subject our kids to those situations. I can talk to them at length about it and then it won’t happen to us.” If only it was that easy.
The truth is these were good kids with good families and as the cliche goes, it can happen to anyone. You can spend your life and time judging a horrific and tragic event and the people involved, or you can figure out a way to ensure that you are working harder to make an event like this NEVER happen in your neighborhood.
This accident made my head spin and I started wondering, “Do I do enough?” I think I am strict and I check in and I do what I am supposed to do to ensure my child’s safety. But do I? My son doesn’t drive yet, but that doesn’t stop him from saying he is staying the night at a friend’s house and ending up somewhere else and in danger. How often do I just trust what my teens tell me simply because I can reach him on his cell phone if I need to?
Did those boys say they were staying at each other’s homes, the oldest trick in the book, and the parents believed them because they had no reason not to and they could reach their kids on their cells? What happened to the days when our parent’s called our friends’ parents and made sure we were telling the truth?
What if we got back to the good old days? What if Every Parent Calls. Either you speak with a parent or your child stays home. If we all did it, our child wouldn’t be the “dorky kid”, it would just be the rule. I have run this idea by some mothers and gotten mixed responses.
Some have said they, “frankly don’t think parents give a shit.” REALLY? Others have said it just won’t work because most people won’t do it. Some have said parents will push back on this idea because they don’t want to embarrass their children. However, the majority say they love the idea and would definitely do it. Would they though? As this tragedy fades, will we forget? What will the next wake up call be?
This has touched that dark and frightened place in the back of my brain. The spot in every parents mind where we know the worst is possible and could happen to our child, but we try hard to silence it so that we can wake up every day and parent our children.
I have spoken to Keenan at length about this accident and about drinking and driving. This week I looked at him with tears streaming down my face and begged him to not make me that mom, EVER. He looked at me with his red teary eyes and promised. He promised. And you know what, he will forget. He will be 17 and he will forget my crying face because at 17 we think we are invincible. We can have a few drinks and drive, or we can drive our cars at breakneck speed. It’s what teens do. If you think your child is an exception, you are mistaken and you better unbury your head.
This is a link to the article describing the accident. I strongly urge you to print it out and have your teenagers read it. Discuss it over dinner with them. Never stop talking about it. And call. Check on your kids. It might just save their lives.
Please leave your comment and then join me and other parents of teens to discuss this issue further at TheBlogFrog.
When I read articles like this, I always think "where were the parents & who bought the alcohol?" But teens get their hands on alcohol on a daily basis. Stores checking for ID’s apparently isn’t the answer. i don’t know what the answer is though.
I’m crying over here.
SO sad. Needlessly sad. Discussion is important. Talking about the real outcome of drinking and driving is important.
If you don’t, and something happens, how can you forgive yourself?
This is a subject that is close to my heart.
While I am saddened for the unknown futures of these teens, I am sickened at the loss of life, and the fact that anyone could speak ill of the parents not being in the country, while they were celebrating their 20 years of love and life together.
To have to come home from what should have been a wonderful celebration, instead to grieve the loss of a child…I cannot fathom the agony and guilt that is already eating them alive. My heart truly aches for them, and I hope one day, they are able to find peace…for now, I send them all of my love to hold them tight through this dark nightmare.
Powerful post.
Even *good* kids are just that – kids.
Very few kids really truly understand the value of a life. Taking risks is much easier when you don’t fully grasp what you are risking.
Plus, kids don’t understand it’s more than just their own life that may be at risk. Posts like this are so important to share with the kids in our lives because it helps them see that when they take gambles, it’s their loved ones – not just them- who end up paying a massive price if they were to lose.
This post was hard for me to read. Even though I love to cry, you know I do, I can’t let myself go to these dark places. These thoughts are too horrifying, just too much for me handle. I will be coming to you in a few years when my kids are getting behind the wheel of a car for moral support! Great post!
After drying my eyes remembering that night, I decided I am going to keep being that dorky parent that makes my teens give me the parents phone #’s and calls to make sure they are home ( and paying attention) for parties and sleepovers. I can’t tell you how many times my two now college boys stayed home after they were asked for #’s because no parents were going to be there.
I know the driver of that car. He is a good kid and did loose everything.
Steph… you can never re-post this enough! Some way ,some how I hope anyone who reads this can get the message and save their own lives as well as others. I am now on the receiving end of these tragedies..working in an ER. I see the stupid ass adults who continually make wrong decisions and think…wow…that could have been so much worse had these individuals hit someone else with their car. Luckily, I don’t deal specifically with them because I only take care of Pediatric patients. But now that football season is upon us and schools back in session, the teens will be partying….You just hope and pray the teens make the right choices!
YOU, are one powerful writer! I had to get up twice to blow my nose and wipe my eyes. I have 2 children, 10 and 7. I seen my 10 yo in ur post. Not the drinking, but the spending the night part. It made me STOP and THINK.. Actually, in all honesty, it scares the hell out of me! Thank you with all my heart, for opening up my eyes. As much as we all want to believe, "oh, it wont happen to me.", your post proves otherwise. My son will be a teen soon and, frankly, it scares me. My heart goes out to EVERYONE that was involved in the accident, teens and parents alike. I dont know what it is going to take to get these teens to stop drinking and driving, hopefully, no more deaths. Thank you so much for letting me reply. I feel so strongly about this subject, so much, that I was excused from jury duty once. It was a drinking and driving case. Again, thank you very, much. Have a great day. God bless you.
I, too, cried so many times when this happened. Although I usually spare my sons from super gorey news stories, I had them read every article in the paper and watch every news story when this happened in our community. The recent tragedies that have occured with the accident that happened near Mammoth have re-awakened those same fears about "teens being teens". I have also implored my 15 year old son to not "make me that mom who lost her son in a senseless tragedy". I am in HUGE favor of calling the parents and making sure someone is home before my son goes over there. If my son thinks I am dorky for doing it, I am willing to embrace that label. Because, with that label, I am also able to kiss him good night.
Last week I insisted on confirming with a parent before two 14 year olds arranged a get together. I think the other dad was a little surprised, but I told him the boys were at the edge of that age when we better make it a habit to confirm with each other directly – because they WILL lie – he thanked me.
I am…somewhat fatalistic about all this. Because I know how quickly it all gets shot to hell not matter HOW diligent we are. I am lucky my oldest is alive. He only is because he stole MY car after he had already crashed his own & mine had enough air bags to save him. A twist of fate. He’d gone to the party to get drunk. At 19. He arranged a designated driver.He came home safely. BUT – he’d also been given a date rape drug by a girl and he was *determined* to get back to the party & to that girl. So first he tried his car, but he slammed it into a curb knocking the tire off it’s wheel house. So then he stumbled back into the house & took my keys from my purse which I’d left downstairs (this is when I blame myself right, for leaving them down there? For not getting out of bed to talk to him when he got home at 1am? Yeah, Big Time Blame). He made it not even 1/4 mile before he flew my car into a fence & two trees. In the span of one night he took out both our cars – and mine was my Dream Car. My Baby. And it save my baby.
Of course you still must be diligent. OF COURSE! But realistically…there are still times when even after doing all that we can do – they will still screw up in a very bad way. Blame is so misplaced. Well, except to blame the kids themselves for they are the ones who screw up.
But yeah, I’ve never left my purse & keys downstairs again.
it’s so sad..but that accident probably saved the lives of others in your community. when it hits that close to home it will have an impact.
so glad your son survived his harrowing night. time to sober up boy.
I should probably clarify for my son’s sake that he is now 25 and aside from having to deal with the nightmarish court system & DMV requirements in order to drive again legally, he has moved forward from that event
Never ever too early to have this discussion. Two brothers and my father each own a piece of the road we lived on when I was growing up. Flipped while driving drunk. More than once. They all survived, all knew better than to drink and drive, and each believed he was okay to drive.
Kids today are trying drugs and alcohol at an earlier age. The sex, drugs, and alcohol discussion have to start earlier too.
(read this a few days ago)
I remember when this happened.
Thank you for posting about it.
I so agree about the parent contact – I will not let my son go to someones house unless i get a phone call from the parent or will not have a kid here unless i have made contact with the parent. My son actually asked me if we could have a code so that when he does not want to go somewhere he can say the code word and I can play mean parent and say no! The other day a friend asked if he wanted to go for the weekend – as the rules were not met I did not let him go – he came back from school on Monday and said he was really glad i had not let him go – turns out the parents where away for the weekend and the boy actually went to a party and got very drunk – he is 13! When did parents stop being in charge – parents wont call because there kids dont like it?!! Really well I am not here to be liked!
This www is interesting
[url=http://www.buzzfeed.com/ufcfan/bet-at-home-romania-nscrie-te-i-c-1aqh]bet at home romania[/url]