I have thought of you often and what you might look and act like. I have done the numbers and while I am no mathematician I realize there will be three of you. That is bad news for me. You will all be comparing notes. “Did she clear his plate and leave yours when you were there?” or “OMG. She ironed his BOXERS.” or “What in the hell kind of polyester matching ensemble was she wearing?” Yes. I know your kind.
Being a woman that always has a plan, I have prepared for you. As a matter of fact, it has become my life’s mission to work daily towards paying you back. In advance. Because I am clear that once you have your meat hooks in my boys, you will hold the power. But. Guess what girlies? Until then, I do.
Why, just yesterday I realized my oldest son had absolutely NO IDEA how to work the washing machine. Mortified, I reminded myself that I swore when I birthed those three boys I would not raise helpless husbands. So. I marched him into the laundry room to show him how to use the machine.
Then this little thought bubble popped into my head of you sweetly convincing him that it is fine if he doesn’t come home for Christmas for the THIRD YEAR in a row because it’s just so far and your parents REALLY need you. I looked at my sweet boy, wrapped my arms around him and said, “Sweetie. You go play xbox. Mama will get this.”
Similarly I have decided not to EVER let them cook. One of them recently asked me how to make a hot dog. “Oh honey,” I replied. “I will get that for you.” It would have been so easy to teach him how to boil water. But. You can do that. Right after you convince him to use YOUR mother’s middle name instead of mine for the sweet baby girl you are expecting. Anne is a lovely name. It would do you good to remember that.
You should know that I cook a chef style meal almost every evening for my boys. They have come to expect it. All of them are particularly fond of my enchiladas. A recipe you will never have. But one I will cook. Every. Single. Time. You are here. You will notice my fake smile directed at you as my aproned self places the enchiladas on the table to the mouth watering delight of my sweet baby boys. “You should make these at home, Sarah. Your husband loves them.” Additionally. I make their breakfast. And their lunches. Every day.
One final thing. I strongly encourage all of the boys to throw their wet towels on the floor and that it is perfectly acceptable to remove items of clothing and just leave them right where they’re standing. I enjoy putting their clothes in the hamper. Oh. Also. They don’t make their beds, they NEVER put their clean clothes away (I do silly), have been known to complain if I don’t turn their socks right side out and you will need to encourage them to shower and brush their teeth daily. Oh. Sorry. One more thing. At night, just before you turn out the lights. It will be VERY important for you to remind them how wonderful they are and how TRULY grateful you are to have them.
So ladies. Say what you will about me. I have planned for it and gotten my revenge early so that I can travel the world with my husband after the boys are in your care. I will sip mai tai’s poolside and just giggle while you all are knee deep in laundry and dishes and dirty diapers. But remember. I love you. Because you love my son.
AND THIS my dear readers, is why men are the way they are.
Thanks so much MaryMac for the inspiration. Some days you need it. Pajamas and Coffee.
i’m going to print this out and save it on the off, off, off chance that my daughter gets the notion that she will end up with one of your boys!
funny!
I am so glad I was able to offer inspiration on stomach flu day! Thanks for inspiring me to be brave enough to eat that first piece of toast!
I LOVE this post. It’s hilarious. You’re an amazing writer and I can’t wait til your book comes out so I can hold it in my hands and laugh away!
xoxo
p.s. if you need further inspiration, feel free to steal post ideas from me ANYTIME! haha
Just a quick note. My husband read this and had tears streaming down his face. You see. They know. But. That isn’t my point. If you scan back up to the fifth paragraph and notice that I say, “Anne is a nice name”.
My husband: It was so nice of you to mention my mom. (That is his mom’s first name.)
Me: That’s my middle name jackass.
His mom is goooood.
Ha! I LOVE this! I have 3 boys too. I know exactly what you mean. They love their Mom though.
Ha! I LOVE this! I have 3 boys too. I know exactly what you mean. They love their Mom though.
I am so bad about my brother’s wife and my other brother’s girlfriends, I can’t imagine what I’m going to be like when my son has a g/f or a wife. And for the record. Jesse’s mom won big time…guess who lives with us? Uhm NOT MY MOM! The crazy thing is she didn’t do ANY of those things! He basically raised his brothers and sister while she was working. Maybe it’s a guilt thing.
I’m in agreement though, after spouting me me me…I can’t wait for your book!
Thats the way your grandmother did with your mother. That worked out real well!
J, I can’t believe you didn’t know her middle name. I know Sybil’s is , uhh, I’ll have to get back to you.
Perfectly said!! I love this post. I am starting early with my son!
My hubby is an only child, and his mother practically polished the floor as he walked on it.
He didn’t get that treatment from me!
That just inspired me to not let my daughter marry your son…..such a great post!
Hey girl, I’m so sipping Mai Tais with you. I also encourage mine to miss the toilet completley when they pee, swear like sailors freely, and we’ve banned toothbrushes and any dental care.
Did my mother-in-law coach you?!
not a word…..i will not say a word….
i wonder…where did they learn this behavior?????
ok that was 8 words
love,
your ex -annal-retentive-roommate
p.s. you must one day tell the story of the time Keenan asked me how much you paid me….he thought i was the maid…….your one smart girl missy……rent the extra bedroom to your clean-freak friend……WA LA….insta-maid:)
Totally did the age difference calculations…Perhaps Cleo and Noah would stand a chance…She would treat him just like you do! Mila in the other hand might want to teach Colton how to rebel and hit the road with her….(well, I am older than BK anyways).
Loved your posts, as always. For I have tried to come up with a plan for my future sons-in-law so many freaking times and always end up crying.
OMFG. Dying over here.
I need to re-read this and start implementing and preparing. Maybe even some subliminal messages and hypnosis. It’s on.
OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You are my HERO!!!!!!!!
I am so in LOVE with your posts!
I can not stop laughing, I was off to a horrible start this morning, my house is a mess, my phone got cut off, my bathroom floors are disgusting, the boys rooms are YUK!! but now, I KNOW that it all has a bigger purpose in the end!!
LMAO!!
You, I love.
However, I am never introducing my girls to your boys.
Wait. Toots already met Colton, didn’t she?
Never again.
I’ve emailed every mother of boys that I know. OMFG. The best post ever. I honestly want to shout this from the rooftops. My mother in law totally fucked with me. I see that now.
Hmmm. I might have to write a post to your futures.
You and I? We have a future together.
So glad my twisted mind improved your day. Like I told my parents. Some day I will be good for something. Just you wait and see.
No need. She is already locked in. Just ask her.
You complete me.
Oh crap! I was so liking the whole holding hands thing with Colton and Lily. And now it’s over between them; here and now. This is bullshit.
This was truly informative. However it stops short of explaining why my mother-in-law still buys my husband’s underwear. WTF, really?! Um, hello Dr. Freud
OMG! That’s so diabolical. I never knew this shit went on. I just thought men were born lazy, sloppy and needy — that it came with the testosterone.
This explains so much.
The young woman in me wants to cry as I read this post. The future mommy in me is cackling diabolically.
Being a woman is hard. And men don’t even know how complicated it is.
visiting from SITS. this was too hilarious! i now understand why my mother-in-law has that smug look on her face every time she makes my husband’s favorite birthday dinner. it’s alllllll clear to me now. really glad that my youngest daughter’s middle name comes from my mil’s first name now, too. maybe it’ll make her share that red velvt cake recipe with me that everyone loves so much!
My poor sweet daughter is going to end up with a mother in law like you isn’t she? LOL
So. What you’re saying is. I should NOT have showed my son how to wipe the rim of the toilet after he pees? Shit.
OMFG – SM – I laughed through this whole freakin’ post.
So glad I could make you laugh. Also. What the hell is SM? (Don’t tell my teenagers I had to ask please.)
That is EXACTLY what I am saying. Cease and desist any form of ability to care for oneself. Immediately.
If she shares it, will you share it with me? I LOVE red velvet. If you need to, maybe you could have another baby and give it her first name. Even if it’s a boy. I would do it for you.
She buys his underwear? I can’t figure out what she is paying you back for, but I will put some serious thought into it.
OH. Wait. I’ve got it. Did she ever catch the two of you, you know….
This is so amazing! I honestly feel like my (possibly one day maybe) future mother in law wrote this about my boyfriend. Down to the wet towels on the floor, but instead, he puts them on our BRAND NEW DOWN COMFORTER. Awesome.
Could it be Stef Mullen????
Do you think that I can at least have you enchilada recipe? I promise I wont marry one of your sons b/c that would just be strange and creepy.
If that’s the case. PLEASE don’t tell my teenagers I asked.
complicated?? come on…have babies, drive to soccer practice (and every place else), cook up some supper, do the sexy time and keep everything clean…oh, and take the mother in law to her ear appointments. cut the grass once in a while, rub our feet, wash, dry and put away everybodies clothes…oh,,,and make sure my beautiful wife of 22 years never sees this…or me….mr dead man.
Crap. I have two daughters.
Also: this totally explains SO much about the behavior of my ex-mother-in-law.
I dare my future daughter in laws to even TRY ordering my sons regular meals from the drive through at McDonalds with the eloquence that I have.
Eeek … that is funny …. and just a tad bit scary!
Enjoy your SITS day!
love the perspective!
Another hysterically funny one. My oldest is married and I love my daughter in law to pieces. Whenever she voices a complain, I just say "I’m sorry honey, it’s your problem now, not mine." LOL.
funny, cute post, happy SITS day!
http://www.mrsgardengirl.blogspot.com/
Absolutely hilarious. My brother never cooked a morsel of food in my mothers house and for some reason he’s turning out to be some kind of culinary chef. He still is hopeless with picking up his dirty laundry though (haha joke’s on his girlfriend!)
http://beingmama.com/
http://ohsoprettylife.blogspot.com/
OH my heck this is funny!!!
Oh my Lord! I always thought men were genetically predisposed to be helpless. Now, I know it’s a giant plot !
This made me want to immediately get pregnant again so I can give birth to boys.
So you’ve met my mother-in-law and taken her notes, huh?
Hilarious!!!
This is hilarious. And so bad! LOL! I’m hoping to have a boy so maybe I should take notes! On the other hand, my mother-in-law must have done the same thing. But I’ve only spent time with her twice. She lives in Montana!
Oh my gosh this is soo hysterical, I think my hubby’s Mom had the same letter written..Perfect!
))
Ha! Love this.
Happy SITS Day.
Haha, that is too darn funny. Lucky for me, (and I love my mother in law) she raised her sons up well. But it’s definitely funny to think about the moms of boys out there, haha.
HAHAHHAHAHAHA!!!!!! I Love this!!! You are probably so right!
Are you sure you didn’t raise my husband?
OMG Stefanie – I love this!!! This is EXACTLY the same thing that I have been thinking the past few days since my 12-year-old went and got himself a girlfriend. I have yet to meet her – but a friend of mine who watches a friend of hers after school tells me that she is quite bossy with my baby boy and he jumps whenever she asks him to do something. I am already plotting my revenge LOL! Thanks for this post!!!
I made my husband read this. It’s hysterical and even HE knew that is exactly why he is the way he is!!
I guess I know how to handle my boys now.
Brilliant. Visiting from SITS and I’m hooked.
lovely… i don’t have a mother in law.. never got the chance to meet her! visiting from SITS… i will be following!
Happy SITS DAY… I do love the CRAP Story a lot…
So hilarious. I’ve thought the same things so many times. I’ll gladly plot against my future daughters-in-law any time.
Funny funny funny. I’m visiting from SITS Girls and I’m glad that I did.
You are h y s t e r i c a l! i am following immediately and sending a link to my daughter who is raising 4 boys (so far). If God gives every one a calling in life I do believe you have found yours. You make raising boys seem so much more fun (I’m raising two as we speak) and one daughter about to get married next week. Ah, now I know that payback can be a bitch and that makes it so much more fun. I love you.
This post is funny! And, may I add, genius! I bet you have all of your sons’ girlfriends shaking in their boots.
My husband has been dreading the day when our little girl is of dating and marrying age. I should tell him to write a letter like this.
Happy SITS Day!
Kristina
Hahaha – that’s funny! I was wondering if you got all these ideas from watching your husband’s mother.
THANKS so much for this primer on pre-daughter-in-law preparation! I have three MEN (no serious partners as yet) and now I feel SO much better prepared for the eventual onslaught on not being the sole woman in their lives! UGH!