A Letter to My Future Daughters-In-Law

Dear Daughter-In-Law

I have thought of you often and what you might look and act like. I have done the numbers and while I am no mathematician I realize there will be three of you. That is bad news for me.  You will all be comparing notes. “Did she clear his plate and leave yours when you were there?” or “OMG. She ironed his BOXERS.” or “What in the hell kind of polyester matching ensemble was she wearing?” Yes. I know your kind.

Being a woman that always has a plan, I have prepared for you.  As a matter of fact, it has become my life’s mission to work daily towards paying you back. In advance. Because I am clear that once you have your meat hooks in my boys, you will hold the power.  But. Guess what girlies?  Until then, I do.

Why, just yesterday I realized my oldest son had absolutely NO IDEA how to work the washing machine.  Mortified, I reminded myself that I swore when I birthed those three boys I would not raise helpless husbands. So. I marched him into the laundry room to show him how to use the machine.

Then this little thought bubble popped into my head of you sweetly convincing him that it is fine if he doesn’t come home for Christmas for the THIRD YEAR in a row because it’s just so far and your parents REALLY need you. I looked at my sweet boy, wrapped my arms around him and said, “Sweetie.  You go play xbox. Mama will get this.”

Similarly I have decided not to EVER let them cook.  One of them recently asked me how to make a hot dog.  “Oh honey,” I replied.  “I will get that for you.” It would have been so easy to teach him how to boil water.  But. You can do that.  Right after you convince him to use YOUR mother’s middle name instead of mine for the sweet baby girl you are expecting.  Anne is a lovely name. It would do you good to remember that.

You should know that I cook a chef style meal almost every evening for my boys.  They have come to expect it. All of them are particularly fond of my enchiladas.  A recipe you will never have. But one I will cook. Every. Single. Time. You are here. You will notice my fake smile directed at you as my aproned self places the enchiladas on the table to the mouth watering delight of my sweet baby boys. “You should make these at home, Sarah. Your husband loves them.” Additionally. I make their breakfast. And their lunches. Every day.

One final thing.  I strongly encourage all of the boys to throw their wet towels on the floor and that it is perfectly acceptable to remove items of clothing and just leave them right where they’re standing.  I enjoy putting their clothes in the hamper.  Oh. Also. They don’t make their beds, they NEVER put their clean clothes away (I do silly), have been known to complain if I don’t turn their socks right side out and you will need to encourage them to shower and brush their teeth daily.

Oh. Sorry. One more thing. At night, just before you turn out the lights.  It will be VERY important for you to remind them how wonderful they are and how TRULY grateful you are to have them. They are accustomed to this.

On occasion I feel a twinge of guilt and wonder if these measures are too drastic and then I think of you insisting they move away from me  to your hometown to be closer to your family and I head to the kitchen and whip up a batch of their favorite cookies.

About Stefanie

Stefanie Mullen

Comments

  1. I am dying here. So very grateful that I had THREE daughters and never, ever, ever (well, unless one of the girls turns out to actually like girls) will have to deal with a daughter-in-law. Now you’ve got me thinking about having three sons-in-law. Hmmm…. wonder what I would say to them.

  2. Meg Salas says:

    Their wives will be lucky because they won’t have the additional blessing of an obnoxious, overbearing sister in law as well. They should really be thanking you ;)

  3. OMG, I’m the mother of 2 little boys and this is so in my future.
    thanks for the chuckle, and teh food for thought.
    amber :)

  4. Huh, I Never MadeThat Connection. But Now I Totally Understand What My Wife Is Doing And Will Now Cut Her Some Slack. Thank You!!!!

  5. Ha — loved this. As a fellow mama to three helpless boys, I may just have to keep them that way. :) (evil grin on me now).

  6. I’ve totally thought about this as well since I have 2 boys. I desperately want to raise fine boys that will someday make excellent husbands, but at the same time I want to keep them close because we all know who ultimately holds the power in a marriage. ;) So funny – I needed a good laugh on a Monday!

  7. TheNextMartha says:

    Another boy mom here. Gonna use these tips starting with making their favorite “Secret pancakes” in the morning. ha!

  8. I also think of what my future DILs will be like since I am yet another boy mom here. This is hilarious. But I will admit after the way this week started? They can take them! Ha!

  9. I have three boys, too. And oh, how this cracks me up!

    Though the trolls- how could anyone take this seriously? Sigh.

  10. Too funny. This was actually how my husband was raised. And now he lives with ME, near MY family. His family is in a completely different country, far far…. FARRRRR away. A country where men push away from the table and belch their approval of a meal that took 3 hours to prepare, then they go watch TV and fart while the women and maids clean up. I am definitely teaching my son to be self-sufficient. I pray to God every day that my future daughter-in-law will be appreciative of my efforts… and not steal him away to another country… like I did. ;)

  11. Daphne M says:

    Loved this post, and have a snarky older sister to contribute to the misery of my future 3 daughter in laws. I am considering telling my sons that it is perfectly acceptable to pee the bed occasionally, even as an adult. Thanks for makin me not feel so bad for picking up my son’s dirty clothes every other night for him.

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