horny isn’t just for toads

I was walking a friend through the process of setting up a Facebook account and had just said, “The most important thing to know is that everything you post on your wall or anyone else’s can be viewed by everyone,” when my Facebook screen changed because someone had posted a new “status” report.

For those of you not on Facebook, your home page has an option to tell everyone what you are doing.  There is a field that says, “Stefanie is,” and then you fill in the blank with your status.  Hopefully something interesting, but as people prove daily, mostly not so much.

I look to see who has posted that their kid giggled for the first time or the contents of their afternoon snack and am surprised to find that it is my 13 year old son Keenan. His status you ask? “Keenan is horny.”  I spit my water across the room. 

I reread his status and saw that my younger son’s friend had already read and commented on Keenan’s status with, “Wow.”  Panic set in as I begin imagining all of the parents of our kid’s friends reading about my 13 year olds desire to have sex with their daughters.  I start to write a comment of my own that goes something like this, “You are soooooo grounded”, but remembered reading an article about Facebook no-nos if you want your kids not to hide their account from you.

Instead, I formulate a brilliant plan. One that will mortify my son beyond words. One that will cause him to think these things through in the future and never embarrass himself or his loving mother on Facebook again.  

I text him these four words, “How horny are you?”  

Within seconds, Quick Draw Mcgraw hits me back with, “WHAT????????”

As if.  I am now fuming. I can’t believe the little shit would act like he didn’t know anything about it.  I can see his circle face in my head. That’s the one where is eyes and his mouth are all open at perfectly gaping proportions causing him to look like he has three circles on his face. That is his lying face. Every. Single. Time.

Feeling quite smug and like I am going to ground him for the rest of his horny life, I text back, “I saw what you posted on Facebook.”  

He responds with, “What are you TALKING about?”

At this point I began to feel a little tightness in my chest and my breathing starts to get labored because this one tiny thought pops into my little pee brain.  What if he didn’t post it?

I sheepishly text, “Um. Your Facebook account says you are,” a long horrified pause, “horny.”

Then there is a mortifyingly long wait and I get this text. “OMG. I would NEVER put that on my Facebook. My friend did it. I checked my Facebook on his phone and forgot to log out. OMG. I can’t believe you text me that.”

Sweet mother of pearl.  My unsuspecting teen was walking along innocently with his friends, all smiley faced and happy to be alive, when he looked down and without any provocation or warning, received a text from his mother asking how horny he was. 

I spent the rest of the afternoon wondering how in God’s name my child would ever be able to look me in the face again without needing to run to the bathroom and empty the contents of his most recent meal. I picked him up at his bus stop and was encouraged to see that he made eye contact with me without turning three shades of green as he departed the bus. 

He tossed his backpack into the back of the car, came around to the front, opened the door, took one look at my, “I am such an idiot” face and busted out laughing until tears were streaming down his face.  Which caused me to do the same and we sat there for several minutes laughing so hard we could barely breath.

Thankfully my son has my warped sense of humor. As I drifted off to sleep, I kept thinking the same thing over and over again, “No 13 year old boy should EVER receive a text from his mother saying, ‘How horny are you?’”  

About Stefanie

Stefanie Mullen

Comments

  1. Reading this is a much better workout than 100 sit ups…I am dying dying dying of laughter…

  2. That should be my new marketing strategy. Reading Ooph is good for your health. 30 minutes a day and you will be as skinny as a runway model.

  3. I read this last night & still cannot process it properly. Does. Not. Compute!!

    I just love that he was able to laugh with you at the whole sordid affair ;-)

  4. Oh, sweet. See, this is the problem with web technology- there is no privacy, like the fact that my MIL reads my blog, so there is always something I am holding back. At least your son is mature enough to have a good laugh about it. Awesome.

  5. HiLARious!
    (plots way to hack @ooph twitter account to read "Me so horny"…)

  6. I am SO getting ready to hack into every facebook account I can… especially those of children with hilarious mothers!

  7. I am a little suspicious of the whole "my friend did it" line ;) But nonetheless I’m pretty sure you have turned him off porn forever. I salute you!

  8. I don’t know if I can stop laughing long enough to actually type anything! I can not believe you had balls enough to ask you son "How horny are you?"

  9. omfg! i would have done EXACTLY the same thing! we are such bad asses in those first few moments…that whole, "let me just show you a thing or two mister!" mantra can get me is a truckload of trouble! thanks for a good dose of reminding that i need to slow down and think before i act. huh, sounds like something i might say to my children! ;)

  10. Military Family of 8 says:

    It has never failed!!!
    I am feeling like *ish, and I come by the funniest place on earth ;)

    Thank you for your undying love for all things "funny as hell!", and your lifelong task of embarrassing your kids through the internet, yOU ARE MY DREAM MOM!!
    lol!!!

  11. This brings me all the way back to the time when my friend texted me that I should starting "sexting" my husband and so I replied to who I thought was her, but was instead her husband with something completely too inappropriate for me to post here.

  12. Vanilla North says:

    this as so funny… and l totally agree with Amy Phillips :))

  13. I"m so sorry that had to happen for you and your son’s sake – but I’m glad for my sake, because that’s hilarious!

  14. David Hicks says:

    Christina Nowacki’s comment : " I read this last night & still cannot process it properly. Does. Not. Compute!! " causes me to wonder what her first language might possibly be :)
    And her following up with: " I just love that he was able to laugh with you at the whole sordid affair ;-) " , causes me to agree, ‘yes great to laugh about it all’ , but " sordid affair " , really …… ‘sordid’ ???

  15. Jo-Ann Rogan says:

    That is so funny I had to read it to my hubby. Taking notes now for my boys are still little.

  16. David Hicks says:

    Could not compute ?? Sordid??
    I found the article entertaining & easy to read. Very!!
    Ahhh : viva la difference !

  17. oh, my.
    better than the time my13 year old brother asked me if I knew what a wet dream was. I was in college, and we were at the dinner table with my parents.

  18. I die!

  19. Did you just say balls, horny and my son in the same sentence?

  20. A kindred spirit. Hold me.

  21. Did you turn to your parents and ask them if they knew?

  22. What not to do. Those are the notes will you will take from this site.

  23. Be gentle.

  24. I am here for you.

  25. Oh my. Talk about utter mortification. On his part. On your part. But also, oh my, hilarious!

  26. My first language is sarcasican, followed with a sprinkling of snarkitude. Thankfully, Stefanie knows how to translate ;-)

  27. Laughing so hard, too funny!!

  28. First time visitor here. That post made me literally "LOL".

  29. My parenting skills have that effect on most people.

    Thanks for stopping by. Come back now, ya hear? (Hear that with a southern twang.)

  30. I think I believe the "my friend did it" excuse, because that’s what boys do to each other!

    poor thing!

  31. I totally sent this to my 14 year old who does not have a Facebook… with the title ‘THIS IS WHY WE SAID NO TO FACEBOOK’ LOL

  32. I am laughing so hard that brought tears to my eyes! SO Funny! I have a 7 year old son so I am always thinking of what my future with Facebook and texting will be like with him – totally frightens me to be honest! Anyway, I stumbled upon your link on the SDMomfia site – I live in Solana Beach so I think we might be ‘neighbors’.

  33. Hilarious!My son is 3 but can’t wait for those conversations!

  34. Thanks for reading. Glad it made you laugh. We must get together soon for some fun.

  35. They are something special. :)

  36. I thought it was funny when my sister didn’t log out on my computer and I changed her status to "I’m a pretty, pretty Princess." But this? It’s Freaking Hilarious.

  37. Glad it made you laugh. And? Your post on your sister’s wall is hilarious!

  38. Charlotte Tinker Kuhtz says:

    I am sooo glad I don’t have children. Lol.

  39. I understand how this post would validate that. :)

  40. Deborah Gilboa, MD says:

    Please don’t disillusion me! As the mom of boys (9, 7, almost 5 and 3) I think embarrassing them will be the BEST PART of their teen years. Thanks for this much needed laugh.

  41. Amy Windsor says:

    Oh my gah!! I just read this and laughed so hard. Boys! Moms! OH FOR THE LOVE OF … !!!

  42. best. ever. OMG that’s hilarious and scary at the same time :)

  43. This is hilarious. And oh so awkward!
    You handled it well :)

  44. OMG, that is hysterical and something I would totally do. Great reminder to make sure NO ONE ever has access to your facebook account.

    Here from SITS. Great blog!

  45. BA Ha Ha Ha You are funny as hell. Toppled over laughing and my kids are looking at me weird. They have no school to-day but gosh dang woman, you crack me up. On FACEBOOK! Your son sure do have a sense of humour. I said the same thing "you’re so grounded" or "You better erase that comment before you get home". Hacking has gotten them in trouble. Thank you thank you for sharing.

  46. OMG! I just silently laughed out loud in Starbucks as I sit here all by myself trying to be productive. My son had a similar situation occur where a friend posted disgusting stuff on his account when he lent his computer to him without logging out of Facebook. However I handled it by calling him the second school was out to loudly inform him he better clear his status pronto. At which point he told me that he already had and had spent the last several minutes yelling at his friend for doing what he did. I was grateful that my son hadn’t done it but so pissed that it had happened. Just what I need Grandma to read on his Facebook account!

    But your story is so much funnier…

    Happy SITS day!

  47. Hysterical! Well, at least it is a deterent in case he ever considers posting such a thing.

  48. OMG…this is so funny. Its moments like these that makes me think kids could be fun.

  49. Lmao missed this one first time around. Glad you had a sits day. That is very awkward but very funny. Facebook can create such awkward situations sometimes. Hope it really was his friend.

  50. Om. My, Word. I love it. Will you help me in 10 years when I have a 13 year old boy?

  51. Ashley LaPlante says:

    I definitly lol’d hard at this.

  52. RubberChickenMa says:

    Sounds like it could have been my house! My boys and I spend an awful lot of time talking about things (and laughing hysterically) that we probably shouldn’t. But, it works for us!

  53. Too funny :) I guess I have facebook to look forward to, I have two sons 2 and 5 and I don’t even want to think about when they are teenagers :) Happy SITS day!

  54. Oh my gosh I can’t stop laughing that has got to be one of the funniest things I have read in a long time, I even read it to my hubby…He said that is definitely one thing you never want your Mom to ask, ha!

  55. LMAO! I would so totally have text that too! Great that he had a sense of humor about it. It is rather funny.

  56. LBDDiaries says:

    It hurts! It hurts! I’m laughing too hard and my stomach is clenching in pain – very very funny! Hope your SITS day was amazing!

  57. This is HILARIOUS!!!!! I am about to start crying myself!!!

  58. OMG…I have been laughing so hard over this blog post. I have 4 boys and my oldest is now 13 but definitely not into girls yet but I always wonder what that is going to be like. This is something you two will always laugh about…such a great story!! Happy SITS Day!

  59. I’m not a mom yet, but I still laughed out loud as I read this post. I’m so glad that your son had such a great sense of humor about your text – and that you did, too!

  60. Aaa ha ha ha ha ha ha haha
    Aaa ha ha ha ha ha ha haha
    Aaa ha ha ha ha ha ha haha

    This is perfection! Which blog is this again? I need to stay tuned.

  61. Ha! That’s a story he’ll tell his wife one day when he does something equally embarrassing with his own kids.

  62. BeautyAuNatural Blog says:

    OMG LOL!!! I have a couple friends who need to read this.

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